Ken Griffey Jr., 2000 Upper Deck
Sometime around the year 2000, there was a top-secret Superstar Summit, which was held at an undisclosed location (Bennigans), was organized by Upper Deck and the baseball branch of the C.I.A., and included the superest superstars of Major League Baseball.
What you see here has never been disclosed to the general public before, and it seems to be the identification card for Ken Griffey Jr. to enter the Superstar Summit. How and why do I have it? I am not at liberty to disclose that information. Not now. Not ever. I will not be putting my family or this country at risk for a fleeting moment of self-glorification!
That said, here is what I know:
Name of All-Star
Ken Griffey Jr.
Fact No. 1: You had to be an All-Star to attend this Summit. Not too surprising that a summit of superstars would require at least some star experience. Think Joe Johnson is gaining entry into the Superstar Summit? Think again. Fact No. 2: The man pictured here is named “Ken Griffey Jr.”
We also discover that this man plays for the Cincinnati Reds, has 12 years of star experience, wears Jersey No. 30, and plays the outfield. He is 6’3” tall, weighs 205 lbs and was born on 11/21/69. If this is not an authentic Ken Griffey Jr. identification card, it is indeed a clever forgery.
In fact, the only way to be sure this is not a forgery is through the Superstar Summit seal, which is present here, and which can only be duplicated through a complicated process that includes reflected translucent gamma rays, a ball point pen, and cardboard only found in the French Alps. Another indication of this ID card’s authenticity is the signature, which was required, and which was stamped with the validation of approval on the 33rd month and fifth day of the year 2000.
This card however, is not without its secrets. The code contained on the bottom of this man’s picture -- “KG-CIN-30” -- has not been cracked by even the superest of mathematicians. Were I to have attempted to gain entry into the Summit – which I did -- using this card, I would be denied – which I was -- as a result of not being able to crack the code. The only people who know what this code means are Ken Griffey Jr. himself and Richard Nixon, who bravely and stubbornly took it to his grave.
Let’s see what information we can draw from the back of this card:
In 2000, Griffey surpassed the 40-homer mark for the seventh time in his career. He also eclipsed 100 RBI for the eighth time.
No wonder this man was invited to the Superstar Summit. However, it is indeed odd that the information contained on this man’s ID card would be presented in the third person. But the truth is, not even the Superstars themselves could be fully trusted.
For example, Ken Griffey Jr. – hypothetically of course – would arrive at the entrance of the Superstar Summit and attempt to gain entry. He would hand this very ID card to the guard, who would then swipe the bar code in order to confirm that the real Ken Griffey Jr. was not already inside. Then the guard would look up and down at Ken Griffey Jr. to confirm that the listed personal data corroborated. Then he would ask Ken Griffey Jr. to sign something random – in this case a non-C.I.A.-issued-Ken-Griffey-Jr. baseball card that he just happened to have – to confirm that the signature matched. Then the guard would say something like, “Question: Who, in the year 2000, surpassed the 40-homer mark for the seventh time in his career, and also eclipsed 100 RBI for the eighth time?” Ken Griffey Jr., if he were smart and truly desired entry, would reply, “Me.” Then he would have to crack the code.
What actually happened inside the Superstar Summit is a secret akin to who shot JFK. Who was there? It’s impossible to say. Vinny Castilla? I don’t know, maybe. What did they discuss? Who knows. They probably talked about how awesome they were, which umps should get whacked, where to get the best steroids, and how hot J-Lo is. Was J-Lo herself there? Probably. I don’t know. This is all speculation. Man, I miss Bennigans.
Did you know?
Due to bar coding issues stemming from the 2000 Superstar Summit, invitations for the 2010 Superstar Summit were sent out via Evite.
