There is a man who lives in my development, most likely a modest, hard-working, Youth Group organizer at the local parish, who drives an SUV with a license plate that reads “Eyez Off,� which is to signify that everyone in the world, because they drive lesser vehicles than his, is not worthy of even making eye contact with his pimped-out GMAC SUV with the tinted windows. In fact, the windows are tinted so that if some crazy person actually had the audacity to lay their eyez ON his “ride,� they wouldn’t be able to see who the Youth Group leader is that is driving it. And then they would turn to stone, unable to withstand the hottness of the GMAC, to which this modest man would most likely reply, “I told you so...bitch.�
Of course, this man is not the only person who lets his vehicle do the talking. And in most of these cases, the vehicle is saying, “Look at me. I’m a jackass!�
Like the other day, while I was in the parking lot of the local supermarket, staring across from me at the word “Princess� plastered on the top of the windshield of a 1992, barely breathing Dodge Spirit. I was taken aback by the fact that an actual princess would drive such a vehicle, considering that most princesses are known for riding in the back of horse-drawn buggies, and do not work at A&P, where the “P� does NOT stand for princess, so I’m told. Another reason that I was slightly confused was because my mom used to own this exact model vehicle, and I used to drive it to high school after I got my license, leaving my poor mom with no vehicle whatsoever to get to and from her job, where she worked long hours to feed me. “This was also not the life of a princess,� I thought. But then when I saw the princess coming towards her “carriage,� with her slightly non-attractive gut hanging out above her low-rider jeans, smoking a cigarette, and talking on a cell phone, I realized that, most likely, she just wantd to be considered a princess because of her diva-like lifestyle, which most likely included milkshakes, marijuana, and boyfriends that are approximately 35 years older than her, and in jail. In fact, if the world was in correct order, THIS person would have had a license plate that read “Eyez Off,� and I would have happily obliged.
And then there is the guy who used to drive down my block while I was outside shooting hoops, with the car windshield that read “Phat and all that.� I never got the chance to meet this individual, so I’m left to assume that he was, really, phat and all that. But alas, I’ll never know for sure, unless we cross paths again, which is unlikely, considering I try not to make eye contact with any vehicle that passes, out of fear it may be the wrong one.
So it seems like the cars people drive can say a lot about them. Like, for example, I drive a 1997 Ford F-150 that is totally out of alignment, and that makes a weird and loud buzzing noise that sounds like the muffler is going to fall off whenever I press the gas pedal. I am considering placing a witty statement on my windshield that will adequately describe my personality, and how I would like to be perceived by society. I think it will say, “For sale.�
