One of my favorite things about Christmas - besides the birth of Jesus - is the surplus of made-for-TV Christmas specials, which usually air on CBS and have the words "Hallmark," and "Wish," in the title.
Because I have to admit that sometimes I let the chaos of the holiday season get to me, and I need someone - like Jennie Garth, Patrick Duffy, or even Meredith Baxter-Berney - to remind me what the holidays are all about. So what ARE the holidays all about anyway? Well, from what I've learned from made-for-TV specials, Christmas is all about a) reuniting with your long lost husband who you thought was dead but was really living in the Republic of Congo for reasons that are irrelevant at this time, b) discovering that a mall Santa Claus is the real Santa Claus because you asked him for "true love" and then ended up having simulated TV sex with Patrick Duffy, c) rescuing somebody from a well, and d) realizing that someone who you thought was mean is actually not so bad, and then having simulated, yet wholesome TV sex with them.
Yes - so many made-for-TV holiday specials have taught me so much over the years, but it's been one that has taught me the most. I had never seen "A Very Brady Christmas" before until this past weekend, and even though I only saw the very end, it's a virtual miracle that I've been able to celebrate Christmas for all of these years without learning the lessons from this heartwarming holiday special. Because I know now that if a building randomly collapses on Mike Brady - or anyone for that matter - all you have to do is gather 'round the building and start singing Christmas carols. Of course, it helps if Carol Brady is leading the singing and she's rocking a humongous afro, but it's not necessary. Anyway, if you keep singing, Mike Brady - or whoever else happens to be trapped - will just walk out of the rubble as if nothing happened. Then everybody has dinner, and Alice the Maid, or whatever your maid's name is, says something dumb and everybody starts laughing.
So this morning on my way to work, I just happened to pass a building that had just collapsed (it was very windy today). But instead of letting the people inside die - like I did last year - I got out of my truck and started singing. I couldn't remember any Christmas songs, so I sang "Every Little Step I Take," by Bobby Brown. It worked, and everyone got out safely, except my crazy maid, who fell into a well.
So if you ever find yourself in this situation, thanks to made-for-TV Christmas specials, you know just what to do. And you never know - the person trapped inside may be your "true love," which could mean that someone (you) is getting lucky tonight. And that's what Christmas is all about.
And don't forget about Jesus.
