Classic card of the week

Alvin Dark, 1993 Ted Williams Card Company Collection

This week we return to the well that is “The Ted Williams Card Company” collection, in which Ted Williams himself –- or, more likely, someone other than Ted Williams –- selects a handful of old-timey baseball players and creates new baseball cards for them so that we, the baseball-card-buying public, can fantasize about what it would be like to have an actual card of one of these guys from their playing days, instead of something that is worth four cents.

Today we feature Alvin Dark. Back of the card, holla atcha boy:



While most managers come from the ranks of major-league players, not many have careers as successful as Alvin Dark’s.

I have major problems with this sentence. This card is from 1993. I’m certain that many of the young baseball fans who came across this card had no idea who Alvin Dark was, much less that he was also a manager who last managed a game in 1977. This sentence assumes that it is common knowledge that Alvin Dark was a major league manager. There is no other mention of his managerial career on the back of the card, which leaves the onlooker more confused about Alvin Dark than before, when he or she did not even know that Alvin Dark ever existed.

Also, this sentence implies that few players go on to have managerial careers as successful as Alvin Dark’s, which is not, I think, true, or, more importantly, the point. Here is how an informative sentence about Alvin Dark would read if a moron did not write it:

While most managers –- did I mention that Alvin Dark was a manager? No? Well, he was! -- come from the ranks of major-league players, not many had playing careers as successful as Alvin Dark.

But enough about grammar and sentence structure. Let’s talk about what I assume was Alvin Dark’s nickname and not just a random racial epitaph on the back of a baseball card:

“Blackie”

Yikes. Many of you may recall the racial undertones of previous Ted Williams Card Company features. Here we are informed that a man named Alvin Dark was nicknamed “Blackie.” It’s hard for me to believe that this was not a playfully derogatory nickname given to him based on his surname. Which begs the question: Why mention this? Like, ever? Seriously…”Blackie?” You're going to bring that one back in 1993 for another generation of kids? Bad times all around.

Wikipedia –- while acknowledging this nickname –- mentions that Alvin Dark was also know as “The Swamp Fox.” That’s pretty cool…why not use that one instead here? Especially considering that (if you read on in the Wiki link) Dark himself apparently made some suspect racial comments in his day.

Well...poor sentence structure and racism make this arguably the unfunniest Classic Card ever featured here. For that, I apologize. In an effort to correct that, and to make light of an otherwise very offensive nickname, I hereby direct you to an old SNL skit featuring Michael Jordan as "Blackie"...which I could not find the link for. Enjoy nothing!

Did you know?
Ted Williams' original desired list of players to be featured in his personal collection included "Stocky" McDougal, "Clam Hands" Johnson, "Kidney Stone" Hannigan, and "Racist" Larry, who was an equipment manager for the Red Sox in the 1940's.

Riding a bike: It's like riding a bike

Note: This column appears in the 7/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/31 issue of the Peoria Times

I have started riding a bike again.

I had vowed to buy a bike from the moment we first moved here. Of course, I vowed to buy many things upon moving here and discovering the Arizona lifestyle, things that included a golf cart, a pool, an RV, a mister system, one of those Hummer / golf cart hybrids with the iron bars that families in our neighborhood use to go trick or treating, a barbeque built into a giant slap of concrete, and yes, a cowboy hat. To my surprise, many of the things on my wish list cost more money than I had anticipated, and I still cannot foresee a scenario in which it would be appropriate for me to wear a cowboy hat, nor can I find one that fits in a way that would prevent people from saying, “Look at that idiot in the cowboy hat.”

My most feasible desired item remained a bicycle. I saw myself riding my bike on a beautiful November morning next to my wife on her, more womanly bike. We would ride our bikes on the paths that weaved throughout our neighborhood and that hugged the desert landscape, and we would drink coffee with one hand and operate our bikes with the other. Inevitably we would run into our great new Arizona friends who were riding their bikes, and they would subsequently invite us over to their pool party, which would be awesome, because we don’t have a pool.

The only thing preventing me from realizing this dream was actually going to the store and buying a bike. Yet, I never did. I may have subconsciously been thwarted by the fact that I know nothing about bikes.

Opportunity arose a few weeks ago when a coworker of mine was helping a neighbor of his sell some stuff as he was moving out of state. He had a nice mountain bike he was looking to get rid of. So I bought it.

My wife -- who by the way, was never as enthusiastic about my morning-path-riding dreams -- was skeptical about my purchase, especially considering that two foster kids at home did not exactly leave much time to ride aimlessly around the neighborhood. Nevertheless, I couldn’t wait to take it for a spin.

It had been approximately 20 years since I had ridden a bike, so getting back on was kind of awkward, but also a thrill. I stayed on the sidewalk and the paths, as I loathe bikers in the street, and I really, truly enjoyed whizzing around town and just taking it all in.

The next time out I tried to test the mountainness of my bike by taking it down a small dirt path towards a paved one. I hit a rock and jumped off the bike before it tumbled to the ground, breaking off one of the reflectors in the process. The important thing was that nobody was watching. Because of that incident, I have yet to recapture the fearlessness of my youth. When I come to a curb, instead of just jumping it like I did back in the day, I come to a complete stop and then awkwardly lift the bike onto the sidewalk and continue riding. The only way I could look dorkier was if I were wearing a cowboy hat. Or, ya' know, the helmet that came with the bike.

Still, my new bike is great. I love riding around and shifting gears and stuff like I know what I’m doing. I love being able to do something outside in the summer without melting, as the hot breeze induced by riding a bike is strangely refreshing. I’m living the Arizona lifestyle out there, and that makes me feel good.

The only thing left to do is to get my wife a bike. Riding around alone is getting old.

I also need a new reflector.

There's a lot of iHoop la going on here

I continue to lament the lack of summer as spring extends it’s season into fall. The City seems always cool and wet and expectant – waiting for summer to show itself. The municipal strike that has hindered events (on par with the weather) looks like it is over so maybe we will see more action on the streets – it’s been quiet, too quiet.

 

During the bustle of lunchtime a small squad of hula hoopers takes to Yonge-Dundas Square. Was it a hula hoop battle to the death, dancing and twirling, hacking and stomping? No, I watch and nobody falls, screaming into the fountains running through the square. No ambulance responds to the imminent, expected violence.

 

Their shirts say iHoop and I look up the site on that big ol’ internets. There is an iHoop.ca (website coming soon) “where players, find game.” Yeah. Or whatever, I am not sure yet. I also find something about basketball and iPod music – maybe the hoop, you know that thing that holds the net, is represented by the hula hoops and the people are iPods or maybe balls. Go figure.

 

 

Strikers still picketing

While the City’s union negotiations await member ratification the strikers continue their pickets at various locations including City Hall.

Tractor pullin' at the Fergus Truck Show

The Fergus Truck Show is back for 2009 (July 23 to 26, 2009) and the tractors were spitting out thick, black smoke and wrecking unprotected eardrums as they pulled the weight trailer along the 300 plus foot dirt track. Here is a Youtube video of some of the tractor pulls.



The site has lost the eastern farmland used for parking and for the original pulling track. The new track has been moved west and the truck show itself has been hit by the affects of the economy. While there are still plenty of trucks in the show and shine there are far fewer vendors and give aways - I didn't even come back with a free pen this year!




They have added a large midway amusement park in the western edge of the property to keep the kids busy during the tractor pulls.



Parking is now quite some distance away but they do use a school bus to shuttle people back and forth to the show. We parked across the road in a church parking lot which for $10 which wasn't a bad deal. The $25 per day adult ticket cost does include access to the performers in the "Music in the Park" area so a full day's fun is pretty reasonable. Castrol Motor Oil had a contest and some pretty models offering a Castrol tattoo.

Edmonton Indy - live streaming video

Register at Indycar.com and watch the Edmonton Indy via live streaming video on Sunday, July 26, 2009 - for free.

The Great Lakes

Some very wet natural resources surround us in Southern Ontario and Toronto itself is perched on the edge of Lake Ontario - one of the five Great Lakes. Within a couple of hours you can also reach Lake Erie, Lake Huron and it's large appendage called Georgian Bay (home to Collingwood and Wasaga Beach).

These waters are used by millions for drinking, industry and recreation and the animals like it too.





It's time to enjoy the water and don't forget the upcoming Wakestock to be held in Collingwood August 7th to the 9th, 2009 (it has been moved from the Toronto Islands).

Classic card of the week

Matt Nokes, 1988 Topps

In 1988, Matt Nokes was awarded by Topps the “All-Star Rookie goblet.” And rightfully so, as Matt Nokes, drunk off of goblet juice, hit 32 home runs in 1987, his rookie season. Unfortunately for Matt Nokes, this proved to be the best season of his career, although he did play pretty good ball for the Tigers and Yankees thereafter.

I hope that opening paragraph whet your pallet. Because if you are like me, you want to know more about Matt Nokes. Like, right this freakin’ second. For example, did Matt Nokes –- professional baseball player -– enjoy playing baseball?



Matt played Little League, Babe Ruth League, and Palomino League Baseball.

That is noteworthy because, as many people know, most professional baseball players do not start playing baseball until college, if that. Albert Pujols, for example, was drafted directly out of an insurance company cubicle, and showed up wearing jorts for his first minor league game. So Matt Nokes obviously had a leg up on the competition from the get-go.

But all play and no play make Matty a dull boy, no? Did Matt Nokes’ focus on baseball adversely affect his repertoire of pastimes?

His variety of pastimes includes going skiing, fishing, and playing guitar.

Matt Nokes: Renaissance man. In the span of 48 hours in the offseason of 1991, Matt Nokes skied the advanced trails of the Rocky Mountains backwards, caught a 12-lb flounder while fishing with his dad, performed with his two-man band “Hall & Nokes” (on vocals? Yes –- Mel Hall) at the Carlsbad Greek Festival, and hit two doubles in a Dominican Winter League game.

But baseball “is what Matt Nokes best,” as the many people affected by Matt Nokes like to say. That is why he started his website, where you can buy many Matt Nokes-related videos and learn more about riding and striding.

What's that? You don't know about riding and striding? You are so weird. Let’s find out what Darryl Evans and his 414 career home runs have to say:

“Matt’s quickly becoming well known around the country for coining the term ‘RIDE AND STRIDE.’”

That’s what she said. Also, you should know that every time you use the term “ride and stride” you have to pay Matt Nokes one dollar. If you are like me, you owe Matt Nokes zero dollars.

It should also be mentioned that this method is part of "The Pyramid of Hitting," in which the second step of the pyramid is: "Blocking." All of this will make sense when you purchase the DVDs. In the meantime, back to Darryl Evans:

“It’s a timing technique and a mechanical Absolute!”

Geez, Darryl Evans. Is this technique also a vodka? Because that is the only reason you would capitalize absolute. Also, “a mechanical Absolute?” That makes Absolutely no sense. I am no longer listening to Darryl Evans. But I would nevertheless like to know more about the advantages of the Ride and Stride method:

Allows the hitter to find his center of rotation and eliminating any leaking energy.

Matt Nokes’ website: 1
The English language: 0

Potential professional baseball player: I don’t know, Matt Nokes. When I’m up at bat, I can’t seem to find the center of my rotation. And my energy is leaking everywhere. Last week I leaked my energy all over home plate and the umpire had to call in a hazmat crew to clean it up.

Matt Nokes: I think I have just the thing for you.

Did you know?
If you reach the top of Matt Nokes' "Pyramid of Hitting," you get to ski down it with Matt Nokes.

Allstate report confirms the obvious

Note: This column appears in the 7/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/24 issue of the Peoria Times

There are two things that the newcomer instantaneously realizes about the Valley: 1) it is hot, and 2) the drivers are awful.

I have written about the driving here before. To no avail, apparently, as little has changed. Thankfully, my opinions have recently been echoed and backed up with lukewarm evidence.

Allstate released its “America’s Best Drivers Report” last week. (In the car insurance world, this is the equivalent of the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue release. Except sexier.) If you haven’t read the report then I don’t want to ruin the ending, but let’s just say that we lost.

Not quite a surprise, considering that the most noise Valley residents make is in opposition to measures that make driving safer, like, oh I don’t know…traffic cameras. Still, for me personally, it feels good to know that Allstate has my back, and that I am not turning into an 80-year old man shaking my fist at passersby on the highway. Although I still do that.

The report considered 200 of the largest cities in the U.S. and based its rankings on car collision statistics. Glendale checked in at a modest 71st, earning the coveted black ribbon. According to the report, this means a Glendale driver is 3.6 percent more likely to be involved in an accident that the “average American motorist.” (The average American motorist is Pat Sajak. Weird, right?!)

Peoria is worse, ranking 88th (we are 7.7 percent more likely to bulldoze someone). And Phoenix was 95th, although that ranked No. 1 among American cities boasting a population over 1 million. The report failed to mention that a large percentage of accidents in Phoenix are avoided when drivers realize that there is nowhere to go in Phoenix and then turn around, illegally.

So even based on minimal information, the Valley is a dangerous place to operate a vehicle. I imagine that if there were a means to gather data that measured near collisions and an overall disregard for traffic laws and human life, the Valley would have ranked considerably lower than it did. This is, after all, one of the few states that doesn’t think helmets are a good idea and doesn’t mind people riding in the bed of pick-up trucks. As long as the gun rack is strapped in safely.

On the roads, it is still The Wild Wild West here. Horses have been replaced by monster pick-up trucks that have dragons on them and that sit absurdly high up on gigantic tires that take up eight lanes. If you have any piece of machinery with wheels, you can legally drive it on the roads here. People drive golf carts with license plates. (Absolute true story: Last summer I pulled into a Safeway in Sun City and at a four-way stop, a woman riding a golf cart with a confederate flag flying from it waved me through. That was the exact moment it hit me that I wasn’t in New Jersey anymore.)

So Allstate obviously did not consider everything when making these rankings. Ironically, they seem to take all of these factors into account when computing Valley car insurance rates, which remain some of the highest in the country. I don’t have Allstate, but last year I received a small discount for wearing a helmet when I drive my Subaru Impreza. Just so I fit in, it has a dragon on it.


That's me by the front tire. Wave!

Fort George

We had so much fun at Fort York that we thought we would head over to Niagara-on-the-Lake for some more historic military reenactments during the "Echoes of Niagara's Past" at Fort George.

They fired off some old cannons, had a rate of fire exhibition using muskets and more modern weapons and various soldiers demonstrated military vehicles.





It was also stressed how important was the contribution of the Indians during the war of 1812. What a great way to explore the past.

Just for Laughs

The 2009 Toronto Just for Laughs Festival is in full swing from July 15th to the 19th and free concerts and entertainment are also happening in Yonge-Dundas Square. Toronto closes Yonge Street from Queen St to Dundas for the street festival from 6:30 pm to 1:00 am on both the Friday and Saturday nights.



I would like to see Russell Peters and Sarah Silverman - look up your favourite comics and go out for a great night of entertainment. Toronto comedian Russell Peters (take it and go) will be in the Yonge-Dundas Square on Saturday, July 18, 2009 at 8:30 pm where he and his friends will put on a free concert!!!



On Friday night I caught a bit of the Break Dance Trio, the Trampoline act Spring Action, Bollywood Shiamak Davar International and Dan Finnerty & the Dan Band.

Out and about

The City's views change during the time of day. In the early morning while people are getting ready to come downtown the streets are sometimes clear of people and the bright morning sunrise creates some nice reflections off the windows of the office towers.

The wildlife in downtown Toronto is limited to seagulls and pigeons and furry little rodents like squirrels.




Along Queen Street West the urban landscape remains full of advertising - the new Harry Potter movie is apparently playing while a man takes his favourite ladder out for a bike ride through the University intersection.

Classic card of the week

Jack Clark, 1991 Score

Jack Clark –- seen here leaving his bat magically suspended in thin air so that the hitter behind him will not have to drag his bat all the way from the on-deck circle to the batter’s box -- was awesome. Jack Clark’s awesomeness is even more awesome when one considers the various obstacles that he bravely endured throughout the course of his major league career. The year of nineteen-hundred-and-ninety was especially cruel for one Jackson Clarkson:



Jack managed to survive a herniated disc in his lower back,

You have to remember -– this is 1990 we’re talking about here. The fatality rate of herniated disc cases was over 97%.

a fractured cheek bone

How a person can play baseball with a fractured cheek bone is beyond me. Though, I imagine that it’s similar to the experience of playing baseball after you’ve been hit in the cheek bone with a baseball. Uncomfortable, though not impossible, since you don't need your cheek to swing.

and a number change (to 00) to smash over 20 homers for the 10th time in his career in ’90.

One can only imagine the physical and emotional trauma that occurs as a result of the personal decision to change your uniform number to a different uniform number. When you are changing this number from a positive integer to a double-zero, well…most players just never recover.

A 1998 scientific study conducted by several hundred non-licensed and anonymous therapists explored the implications of humans changing their uniform numbers to double-zero and the largely disastrous results. The study revealed that while some players do this out of self-pity –- "Look at me, I am nothing! No, worse yet, I am double nothing!" – most players make the change out of arrogance, believing that their talent is so otherworldly that it will overcome the fact that they have two big zeros on the back of their shirt. It is uncertain which school of thought Jack Clark was registered at. The point is –- he survived it.

Also, I’m sorry but…“smash over twenty homers?” That seems like an extreme verb for 25 home runs. I mean, 25 ding-dongs is good and all, but I wouldn’t use "smash" there. You smash 40 home runs. You hit 25. Unless, of course, each of Jack Clark’s 25 dingers in 1990 were hit really, really, really, really hard:

A dead fastball hitter with one of the hardest swings in the game,

Well alrighty then. In a local San Francisco cable commercial for a furniture outlet filmed while he played for the Giants, Clark introduced himself as such: “Hello. I’m Jack Clark. I work hard. I play hard. I swing hard. I herniate my lower back hard. But most of all, I buy furniture hard.”

He can still turn a game around with one swish of his bat.

I am honestly uncertain whether this is a typo, or if the author is trying to convey the hardness with which Jack Clark swings by using the word swish. Because, ya’ know, technically, swish is the sound of a strikeout, and a Jack Clark strikeout would not turn a game around, but keep it exactly the same. I’m just saying.

Did you know?
The story of Jack Clark was the inspiration behind the Destiny's Child hit "Survivor."

The scorpion: Because then everyone would want to live here

Note: This column appears in the 7/16 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/17 issue of the Peoria Times

When we informed our family over two years ago that we were moving to Arizona, the reaction was predictably mixed. They were happy for us, but sad to see us go. It was my uncle however, that had some practical advice: Watch out for scorpions.

This advice has proven to be invaluable, especially considering that every single person we initially asked about scorpions upon moving here reacted indifferently. I have come to believe that this is a vast conspiracy, and that every person who lives in Arizona privately acknowledges not to make a big deal out of scorpions when newcomers ask. The state brochure should read, “Arizona: What scorpions?”

I cannot tell you how bonkers it drives me when people do not react with the proper indignation when it comes to this subject. Arizona is home to the bark scorpion, which Wikipedia -- my source for all social, spiritual and scorpion-related information -- describes as being the only species “capable of causing lethal reactions in humans.” Hey, no big deal! It’s just death…what are you gonna do, ya’ know?

When we came across our first scorpion –- a bark scorpion, in our closet, thank you very much –- a few weeks after moving here, my wife and I reacted as if we were both on fire, and I eventually ended up smashing the thing with my flip-flop until the particles of the scorpion were no longer distinguishable to the human eye. There have been other encounters, several of which have resulted in me leaving panicked voice mail messages for our “bug guy” at midnight on a Saturday.

Can we blame this on the economy? Actually, yes. Due to the real estate crisis and foreclosures resulting in vacant houses that aren’t treated, we have seen more scorpions this summer than ever. All bark scorpions of course. Feeling frustrated, defeated, and more concerned now with two foster kids and a small dog at home, we decided to take matters into our own hands, vigilante-style.

My wife and I became vegetarian hunters.

Scorpion hunters.

Based on the recommendation of a friend with similar concerns, we took drastic action. I purchased a black light online (blacklight.com). It’s called – no joke – The Arachnid. Now, before we go to bed at night, we take The Arachnid, a pair of pliers, a glass mug, and whatever courage we can muster outside and we hunt scorpions.

First of all, you cannot believe how The Arachnid illuminates a scorpion. Totally exposes it in florescent green. Then I grab it with the pliers, ideally crushing its insides, and drop it into the mug which it cannot climb out of (because they cannot climb glass, and because I just cut it in half). Then we transfer it to a closed container and leave it there to die and think about the harm it has caused by being a scorpion.

(It should also be mentioned that the black light illuminates other things as well, most notably paint stains. Because we have several paint stains on the rocks outside, and on the carpet in our bedroom, I have almost had about twenty heart attacks as a result of shining the light on one of these stains and thinking a gargantuan and impenetrable-by-pliers scorpion has taken over our property. The same stains do this to me every night. Also, because we do this right before bed, I have had nothing but scorpion-related dreams for the past two weeks. The other night I dreamt I had a scorpion dentist. Needless to say, this entire endeavor has been an exhausting assault on my senses.)

We caught six scorpions in the first five nights, including a baby that I showed no mercy to. And that six isn't counting the two that got away (into our neighbors yard...sorry, buddy!) I think the fugitives have spread the word to the others, as activity has slowed. But we remain vigilant.

Eventually we would like to attach The Arachnid to a hardhat and wear Dickies suits and goggles and film a realty show. If anyone important is reading this, call us.

Oh, and if any of our family is reading this, come visit us! It’s awesome here! What…scorpions? Pffttt. They’re no big deal.


When we put the black light on these guys, they hissed and ran away.

Caribana Toronto 2009 - official launch ceremony

The 42^nd annual Toronto Caribana  Festival will soon heat up the streets of TO with planned events such as the King and Queen Ball on July 30^th and the Parade on Lakeshore scheduled for Saturday, August 1st.

The official launch ceremony was moved from strike bound Nathan Phillips Square to Yonge-Dundas Square which was jam packed with people eager to see the beautiful costumes that the dancers were wearing and to hear the music from tropical paradise. When the politicians kept talking and talking the crowd tried to hurry on the speakers. They promised that all the events will proceed despite the municipal strike so everyone was happy to hear that part at least.

You can find more information on the festival at their website: www.caribanatoronto.com.

Honda Indy Toronto race pictures

I will be posting some more pictures of the actual race here - so keep coming back for more race photos.




Here is a Youtube video slideshow of the race in pictures.



This is me in the pits during a break in the action with my media credential and photographer's bib covering the race - thanks Tip Nunn and IndyCar!

Gene Simmons Grand Marshall

Rock star, marketing genius, Grand Marshall - Gene Simmons was a hit with the Toronto crowd as many in the crowd called for him to show his famous tongue and he did not disappoint. Coming in behind a military marching band Gene hoped off a Honda pickup and came to centre stage located at the start finish line between the pits and the Direct Energy Centre.



The drivers were welcomed to the stage and introduced to the fans. Then the National Anthems were sung, fireworks were set off, there was a fighter jet flyover and Gene announced "Lady and gentlemen start your Honda engines."




The drivers seemed in a good mood right before the running of the Honda Indy. I noticed Danica smiling and Alex Tagliani was wearing King Tut headgear.