Classic card of the week

Jay Buhner, 1989 Topps



During the heyday of my card-collecting, few things set off the alarm of excitement in my heart more than seeing a distinguished logo on a baseball card—a “Rated Rookie” insignia, a “The More You Know”-type colorful “Future Stars” banner bursting across the center of the card, or, as in this case, a Rookie All-Star trophy goblet logo. To see one of these things meant that you might have something special on your hands. “Something special” being a card that may, in a few decades or so, be worth enough money to cash in and pay off a tiny fraction of a bloated student loan so the creditors will get off your back for two seconds. Or to like, pass down to your son or some crap like that.



Anyway, as you can see here, Jay Buhner drank his beverage of choice—Buhner Juice: a potent long-standing family recipe of orange juice mixed with pretzel stand and school play intermission refreshment-famed “orange drink,” and vodka—from the Topps All-Star Rookie trophy goblet, a luxury he was afforded after blasting 10 ding-dongs in only 192 at-bats with the Mariners in 1988. Jay Buhner as a baseball revelation was cause for great joy in Seattle; great lament in New York.



Now, I know what you’re thinking: Sure, Jay Buhner liked to play baseball. But what I really want to know is—what sports did Jay Buhner enjoy watching, so that I can be like Jay Buhner and watch similar sports?







Jay’s favorite spectator sports are pro basketball and baseball.



Jay Buhner: I’ll watch a pro basketball game or two. None of that college crap! With the two-handed bounce pass … pfftt. Gimmie a break. Long live the Supersonics!



Jay Buhner’s wife’s friend’s husband, Jim, who Jay Buhner just met: I have a basketball in my garage. Wanna shoot around?



Buhner: Dammit, Jim—I said I’ll watch a game or two. I gotta play stupid baseball 162 times a season all over the freakin’ place and I’m sick of it! Can I be a spectator here for like two seconds?! Sheesh. Now put on the game and hand me my Buhner Juice.



Jim: Sure, here. What else do you like to watch?



Buhner: I like to watch baseball. And "Saved by the Bell: The College Years." That's all the college entertainment I need.



Players who had the greatest influence on his career were Willie Stargell and Bucky Dent.



I have no comment here, other than to say that, while thinking of a comment, I Wiki’d Bucky Dent to see if he like, coached Jay Buhner or something, because, ya’ know: why else would someone name Bucky Dent as an influence other than because of his famous home run, which wasn’t so much an influence as it was a thing that happened? And I came across this. See if you can follow:



Dent was born 25 November 1951, in Savannah, Georgia, to Dennis O'Dey and Russell "Shorty" Stanford.



Bucky Dent was born to two dudes. Got it.



He went home from the hospital with his mother's brother and his wife, James Earl and Sarah Dent. He and his half-brother were raised by the Dents, and they changed his last name to theirs, but his mother would not allow them to legally adopt him.



Recommended easier way to say this: "Aunt and uncle." Also, is his mother “Dennis” or “Shorty?”



He and his half-brother thought of the Dents as their parents, and until he was ten years old, Dent believed his biological mother was his aunt. Later in life, she mentioned the name of his father, whom Dent tracked down and developed a relationship with.



Happy 10th birthday, Bucky! Hope you like the cake. Also, I am not your actual mother. No biggie. For your 18th birthday I may “mention” the name of man you might be interested in developing a relationship with. Okay, make a wish!



Sorry for the tangent there. Probably more apropos for a Bucky Dent card, but what can I say—he is a great influence on my blogging. As is Wikipedia.



Anyhoo, Jay Buhner went on to have a very nice career, hitting over 300 home runs and having the marketability of a shaved head and goatee that garnered him immense popularity in and around Seattle. Scientists believe that had the Yankees never traded him, they—the Yankees, not the scientists—would have won 12 consecutive World Series. So there’s that. Jay Buhner remains in Washington, a most intimidating spectator.

Classic card of the week

Mike Greenwell, 1989 Sports Illustrated for Kids

Here is another of my Sports Illustrated for Kids perforated baseball cards which I tore out of the magazine and which is worth at least $700. What makes it so expensive is the beautiful blue-green splotchy design, which resembles a line of low-end kitchen countertops.



Mike joined the Red Sox’ regular starting lineup in June 1987, and he still hit 19 homers and drove in 89 runs that season.

“Despite playing baseball, Mike Greenwell acquired good baseball statistics.”

In 1988, he batted .325 with 22 homers and 119 RBIs for the American League East division champs. He also led the league by driving in 23 game-winning runs.

Greenwell finished second in the ’88 AL MVP voting to Jose Canseco, who became baseball’s first 40-40 man that year and who recently pitched “6 strong innings to knock of funky Fielders lineup,” whatever that means. By keeping generally quiet and doing the opposite of everything Jose Canseco has done since 1988, Mike Greenwell has won the ’88 AL MVP of America’s heart.

How many more RBIs did Mike have in 1988 than he had in 1987?

Don’t patronize me, Sports Illustrated for Kids. I subscribe to your magazine of words and data—if I can send in a renewal check, I can do simple mathematics. Jerks. Also, it's "RBI," not "Runs Batted Ins."

Amazingly, SI for Kids offers little in the way of useful information. Where, oh where, can we turn for that?

Greenwell owns a 890-acre (3.6 km2)

I thoroughly enjoy how Wikipedia consistently posts alternate measurements for things, as if this is necessary for a person coming to Wikipedia for information. What the heck is an acre and how am I supposed to know how much land former Red Sox player Mike Greenwell owns in measurements I can understand??!!! (yelled in a British accent)

ranch in Alva, Florida, on which he grows fruits and vegetables. He runs an amusement park in Cape Coral, Florida called "Mike Greenwell's",

Mike Greenwell: I don’t care what ya’ll call the dang amusement park! I got fruit to harvest! Just make sure the people know it’s mine.

which opened in February 1992. He also coached both of his sons, Bo and Garrett … Upon his retirement from baseball, Greenwell began driving late-model stock cars.

That is such a cliché it barely warrants mentioning.

In May 2006 he made his Craftsman Truck Series debut at Mansfield Motorsports Speedway for Green Light Racing, starting 20th and finishing 26th. In 2010, Greenwell had given up racing.

Mike Greenwell: Former almost MVP, vegetable farmer, carnie, coach, father, late-model stock car driver, retired late-model stock car driver, not necessarily in that order, but kind of. Too bad he wasn’t a prankster.

“The Gator”
Greenwell received his nickname during spring training in Winter Haven. He had captured an alligator, taped its mouth shut, and put it in Ellis Burks's locker.

Mike Greenwell: Ellis Burks is our teammate. Let us prank him!

Todd Benzinger: Indeed!

Greenwell: Any ideas?

Benzinger: We could order pizzas to his house, and he will be surprised because he’ll be like, “Whaaaaat? I didn’t order pizzas!” and he’ll have to pay for the pizza and eat it!

Greenwell: Okay, okay, not bad. But how about this—I capture an alligator and then tape its mouth shut and leave it in his locker!

Benzinger: Wow. Ummm, okay. Well, uh … what kind of tape are you going to use?

Greenwell: I don’t know—haven’t thought it through yet. I mean, not Scotch, if that’s your concern.

Benzinger: Okay, how about this: You do that, and I’ll do the pizza thing, and we’ll see which one he likes better.

Greenwell: Okay. But I have a feeling they’ll be calling you, “Pizza” for decades. Are you willing to take that risk?

Benzinger: I’m willing. Let’s do this!

Did you know?
There were two roller coasters at Mike Greenwell's amusement park. The Florida Board of Safety shut down one. How many roller coasters were left?

Classic card of the week

Vladimir Guerrero, 2000 Upper Deck’s Most Wanted

Captain Williams: Alright everyone, get in here. Stevenson—work the projector. Johnson—grab me a coffee, will ya’? The rest of you knuckleheads, listen up! Got one that just came down from the feds, and it’s a doozy. Russian guy, from the Dominican, working in Canada. I have no idea how this one ended up in our jurisdiction …

Officer Daniels: ‘Cause the Feds can’t do their JOB, that’s why!

Capt. Williams: Shut yer cakehole, Daniels! But you got a point. Anyway, Stevenson—flash the info …

Projector turns on, displays a graphic image of a naked, overweight woman riding a go cart. Room erupts in laughter and cat calls.

Capt. Williams: For crying out loud, Stevenson!

Officer Stevenson: It wasn’t me, Cap. It was probably Sully. After all, it’s HIS mom!

Officer Sullivan: You wish, Stevenson!

Officer Stevenson: What does that even mean, Sully? You’re such a moron.

Capt. Williams: Alright, cut the crap, guys! Where’s the Guerrero file?

Officer Stevenson: I don’t know, Cap.

Officer Johnson: Maybe she ate it! Ha, ha …

Capt. Williams: Yes, good point, Johnson. Maybe the large woman on the screen riding a go cart ate the Guerrero file. Your wit knows no bounds. Stevenson—your dad was the best officer I ever worked with, but he obviously taught you nothing. Now sit down! And everyone, pay attention! We’re dealing with one of the most wanted men around right now, and I’m not about to lose another one of you, not today, and not any day!

Room tightens up, each officer adjusts himself in his chair and focuses intently on his captain.

Capt. Williams: Alright, then. His name is Vladimir Guerrero. He’s 6’3” and 206 lbs. He (flipping through papers) … bats right handed.

Room looks on, confused.

Capt. Williams: Says here, he uh … set a club record with 42 home runs in 1999, and also had a … 31-game hitting streak.

Officer Sullivan: (under his breath, yet audible) Monster!

Capt. Williams: He, uh, continues to put up the kind of numbers in Montreal that place him among the game’s elite talents. And he may possess the best all-around game. So that’s what, uh … that’s what we’re working with here.

Officer Johnson: Raises hand.

Capt. Williams: This isn’t Kindergarten, Johnson! Do you have to make a wee-wee? What do you want?

Officer Johnson: Sorry, Cap. Just one question. So, ummm … what is he wanted for?

Capt. Williams: Well, it looks he’s wanted for being, ya’ know, a really good baseball player or something.

Officer Daniels: Shoot to kill?

Capt. Williams: You know the drill.

Classic card of the week

Dennis Northcutt, Visa debit card, Exp. 02/06

I think it’s safe to say the NFL would not be experiencing a lockout if more players were willing to use their Dennis Northcutt debit card.

The great thing about a Dennis Northcutt debit card is that it prevents you from overspending. For example, if you don’t have adequate funds in your Dennis Northcutt checking account, and you mistakenly attempt to purchase some Dennis Northcutt memorabilia with your Dennis Northcutt debit card, the debit card will not allow you to do this. In this regard, Dennis Northcutt is always looking out for your best financial interests. “Why don’t you purchase this autographed Dennis Northcutt plaque when you have more money in your account,” is what Dennis Northcutt says to you, via his debit card, on such an occasion. Another way the Dennis Northcutt debit card prevents you from overspending is through the fact that you cannot actually use the card to buy things. I found this out the hard way:

Cashier: That will be $13.86.

Me: Do you accept the Dennis Northcutt debit card?

Cashier:

Me: He used to play wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns …

Cashier: Is it a Visa?

Me: Yes.

Cashier: Fine. Anything but Discover.

Me: Swipes card …

Cashier: It didn’t go through. Can I see the card?

Me: Hands cashier card …

Cashier: This card has no magnetic stripe. Also, it expired in 2006. Also, it explicitly says it’s void. You didn’t fill out a credit application for this, did you?

Me: I think it was handed to me at a bar.

Cashier: I don’t think I can sell you these pistachio nuts.

Me: Wait—do you accept the Keenan McCardell American Express?



THIS SEASON, UNEXPECTED MOVES WON’T JUST HAPPEN ON THE FIELD.

What does it mean?! Could it be that unexpected things will happen in life away from the realm of professional football? That seems impossible to me! What should I do to find out more so that I may protect myself?

VISIT VISA.COM/NFL

Okay, so I did that. Turns out, Visa and the NFL are a perfect team. Also, Visa and the NFL have partnered up to engage high school students in a different kind of football game—one that prepares them to become fiscally fit adults. “Financial football” is an engaging, educational video game that teaches students about personal finance using curriculum from Practical Money Skills for Life. Wow, unexpected move, indeed! This sounds like the greatest game of fiscal responsibility ever!!! How do I play?

"Financial Football" is fast-paced and fun, but instead of using a game controller to gain yardage and score, players must answer personal finance questions correctly to advance down the field. "Financial Football" is available for free and can be downloaded for playing on computers and cell phones.

Should I invest in a mutual fund or money market account? Three-yard gain! Nice! Should I reapply for a Dennis Northcutt debit card? Sack and fumble!?!?! Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know?
You can earn cash-back rewards by using your Dennis Northcutt debit card at participating locations in the Cleveland area. Locations subject to change without notice; card not valid; Visa and its subsidiaries are not affiliated with Dennis Northcutt; offer expires always.

Classic card of the week

Jose Lind, 1988 Topps

The future held many things for Jose Lind, as we will soon see. And while stardom based solely on his achievements on fields of play may not have been one of them, we are here talking about him today—the future—on a blog, mostly because one time he drove a car without pants. So there’s that.

Other than predicting future greatness based on four career home runs in five minor league seasons and a .322 batting average in limited time in the bigs based on 143 ABs even though his career minor league average was like .260-something, Topps offers little in the way of information and entertainment. For such things we must turn to Wikipedia:

He also acquired a reputation for whimsical behavior, as one might expect from a man nicknamed "Chico" (Spanish for "Boy") … he often surprised fellow players in the clubhouse by playfully brandishing one of the many knives he kept in his locker.

It’s very much unlike Wikipedia to be inaccurate or misleading, but I think they are confusing “whimsical” with “bizarre and threatening.”

Barry Bonds: Yo Chico, what are you doing, man?

Chico Lind: Oh, this? I’m just playfully brandishing my knives, while looking at you menacingly from across the locker room.

Bonds: Why do you have knives at your locker?

Lind: In case I want to stab someone. Ha, ha! Just being whimsical, Barry! I’m like a Spanish boy! What do you expect?

Besides, in Wikipedia’s defense, it’s not like Lind had a history or future of violence that Wikipedia would highlight immediately after labeling his knife-brandishing actions as whimsical:

Lind's personal life continued to spiral out of control. Police were called to the home of his ex-wife, Lizza Lind, in July 1996, when he visited in violation of a restraining order and the situation escalated to physical violence, which was witnessed by his daughters, Joyvelisse and Thivizahei Lind. They arrested him for possession of cocaine, and he pled guilty to that charge in February of the next year.

I don’t mean to make light of this terribly awful occurrence, but the end of this statement makes it sound as though his daughters arrested him, which would be awesome, and sounds like it’s from a movie about two daughters who are sick and tired of their dad being a violent idiot, and who decide to take matters into their own hands by training to become assertive cops. The movie is called, “Enough,” starring Jennifer Lopez and someone else. Also, and I don’t want to nitpick, but: “possession of cocaine?” Was that the only charge? What about violating a restraining order and domestic abuse? Just saying.

On November 21, 1997, highway police in Tampa, Florida stopped Lind for leaving the scene of an accident. They discovered that he was visibly intoxicated, and that he had been driving while naked from the waist down. A search of his car revealed seven cans of beer and one gram of cocaine. Lind ended up spending a year in jail.

They arrested him for speeding. Also, pop quiz: What do you think the very next section of Jose Lind’s Wikipedia page is? “Downward Spiral?” “Rehab and Recovery?” “Wake-Up Call?” The answer is: you are wrong.

Managing career

Seamless transition.

Lind underwent rehabilitation to compensate for his addiction,

“Compensate for?”

and after his release from prison he signed with the Bridgeport Bluefish as a player/coach.

Sam Crawford, Bridgeport Bluefish President: Ya’ know what sports needs more of? Player-coaches! A true leader who’s still got some game left, but who can get his feet wet in coaching as well. Saves the team some money, too. I think the Bluefish could use a player/coach.

Arnold Wentworth, Bluefish Vice-President: I’m pretty sure Jose Lind just got out of prison … ?

Crawford: Is that the guy who hit-and-ran while drunk and also while wearing no pants or underwear?

Wentworth: Yes.

Crawford: Call him up.

Did you know?
Driving under the influence without pants in commonly known as DUIWP.

Classic card of the week

Wade Boggs, 1989 Score “1988 Highlight” series

I always thought this Todd Worrell was my most “that’s what she said” card. And it still may be. But the back-of-the-card-tidbit title alone on this Wade Boggs beauty gives Worrell a run for its suggestive money.



WADE WHACKS ‘EM

Yes. That is one way of putting it. Elaborate, please.

Wade, who has been called a hitting metronome,

By whom? Who has called Wade Boggs a “hitting metronome?” If I ever heard anyone describe Wade Boggs as a hitting metronome, my first immediate thought would be, “‘Metronome?’" Not because I don’t know what the word means, or what that statement implies, but because a) why? and b) I’m not certain anybody ever said that, and so I think you, Score, are lying. Wikipedia defines a metronome as “any device that produces regular, metrical ticks (beats, clicks) — settable in beats per minute.” They add, “Boggsian. Like Wade Boggs, the baseball player, in the way it produces metrical ticks.”

did something with his bat

Because we are in TWSS territory, I am hoping that this will be about the great and consistent manner by which Wade Boggs hit baseballs with his bat, as opposed to something else that I do not care to discover.

in 1988 that no other player in the 20th Century has ever done.

“Metronome sets 20th century bat-related mark,” was the headline of the Boston Herald one day in the fall of ’88.

He banged out 200 hits

Bill, Score editor: Dick, you bang out that Boggs card yet?

Dick, Score writer: Almost, Bill. Actually, had a question for you: Would you say that Boggs whacks balls, or bangs ‘em?

Bill: Hmmm, good question. I’ve seen him do both. Why don’t you use “whacks” as a lede and “bangs” in the middle …

Dick: Good call.

for the sixth consecutive season, an unprecedented feat, and only topped by Wee Willie

That’s what she said.

Keeler’s eight in a row way back in the 1890s.

Listen, we can talk all day about 19th and 20th century metronomes, but the long and short of it is this, as the title suggests—Wade whacks ‘em. “’Em” being balls. Hard.

Did you know?
I am not proud of all this. Nevertheless.

Classic card of the week

Bo Jackson

Crack, the horrible and deadly addictive drug, was introduced to the streets in the 1980s by—according to noted historian Kanye West—Ronald Reagan, who “cooked up” the drug and planted it in the streets because … I’m not sure what his motive was there, actually.

Anyway, in the 80s there were two sides to the crack issue: those who liked and enjoyed crack, and those who opposed crack. As a means of adding brevity and friendly competitiveness to an otherwise extremely violent and heart-wrenching situation, MTV, in what would ultimately become the first of its popular Rock n’ Jock Series, in which people like Dan Cortese could hit a 10-point basketball shot, decided to host a baseball game.

Through which spectrum the nation as a whole viewed the crack issue would be decided by this baseball game. On one side was the “Turn Your Back on Crack” team, led by actual baseball AND football player Bo Jackson, who once single-handedly defeated a bumblebee. They had blue hats and uniforms. Their motto was, “No Caine,” in which the “0” in “No” was struck-through, which kinda made it seem like were against not having cocaine, but most people, I think, got the intended message. There were no other team members.

On the other side was “Team Crack,” a team of crack addicts. They were led by Jimmy, a.k.a. “Jim-Jam,” who event organizers found asleep in the stadium parking lot the morning of the game. Their uniforms were jeans and their motto was, “Gimmie Some Crack!” No one from Team Crack showed up for the game, including Jim-Jam, who never returned to the field after excusing himself to go use a payphone.

In an effort to be sensitive to the issue at hand, there were no first and third base lines, so all balls were in play. That's what she said. As a safety precaution, all fans were asked to sit in the upper decks, as games with a “crack” theme did not traditionally end well.

Fortunately for America, Turn Your Back on Crack won the game 26-4, thanks in large part to Bo Jackson’s “blonk-a-donk” hit in the fifth inning, which was a ball that bounced off of three seats in the stands and which, by Rock n’ Jock rules, earned his team 20 “blonker points.”

And with that, it was decided: Crack was bad, and people, especially kids, if offered crack, should turn their back on the drug. Said Jackson after the game, into a microphone held by Michael Rappaport while “YMCA” played in the background, “Remember, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish by literally looking the other way!”

Then he broke his bat over his thigh to thunderous applause. It was then that Jim-Jam returned, looking for his left sneaker and asking if anyone had a few bucks for the bus.

Classic card of the week

Kurt Miller, 1991 Upper Deck

I’m not a superstitious person. At least I try not to be. But I married into an Italian family, and there are many, shall we say, quirks involved, of which I must abide lest I be blamed for an unfortunate occurrence. Among these not-quite-superstitious-based obligations: no shoes on the table, walk through the same door you came in, and, of course, when forced to mingle with an untrustworthy person—wear red underwear.

These are all important, obviously, but the most important obligation of all is this: never get ahead of yourself when speaking. In other words, the future is uncertain, no matter what things may seem, and never assume that this is not so. My wife and in-laws tend to take things a small step further with the notion that if you do happen to speak positively about something that is actually happening right here and now, your very words have just prevented this positive thing from moving forward. “Jinx” is an ugly, superstitious word, so let’s just say, in this case, you’ve (other word for “jinx”)ed it. Thus, if something good is happening, never acknowledge it until it is so over that you are safely removed from the risk of being personally held responsible for ending it.

A prime example, and one in which I am perpetually the victim-slash-perpetrator: If our daughter is behaving well for a sustained amount of time—rare, but it happens—I will often say something like, “Wow, she’s being so go—“ and at this point, my wife and mother-in-law will simultaneously shush me, dramatically roll their eyes in each other’s direction, and haphazardly prepare for an onslaught of bad behavior. Should our daughter, immediately after this, so much as faintly verbalize any sort of frustration or confusion, most likely as a result of the spontaneous and inexplicable reaction she has just witnessed, I will be outcasted to a different room and no one will speak to me for at least the next three hours.

So, I try not to get ahead of myself, so much so, that when I witness other people do it, it bothers me. As an example … Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that a person is speaking about a young pitcher, and this person, who is speaking about this pitcher, and ignoring the immense physical strain of pitching in general and also the random circumstances that can frequently cause unfortunate injuries, virtually guarantees, based only on the pitcher’s smooth delivery, that this pitcher will never get injured, and in making this point as emphatically as possible, uses a horrific example of something that, though seemingly improbable, could happen and which, if it did happen, would not only injure this pitcher but also kill him instantly.

Yes, something like that would bother me.



“He has a perfect delivery,” one scout said. “The only way he’s going to hurt his arm is if he’s run over by a semi.”

I spent way, way, WAY too much time on the Internet searching for “Kurt Miller injury,” and there is just so little information about him minus straight baseball statistics. So, I’m not sure if he ever got injured—if anybody knows, holla—but I will say that from ’97 through ’99, one season removed from throwing 46.1 innings, he threw a combined 14.1 innings.

More importantly, according to Wikipedia, unless they simply forgot to mention it, he was never—as of this date, as I would like to express my sincerest hope that this never, ever happens to him or anyone, ever—run over by a tractor trailer.

Did you know?
The anonymous scout quoted here once said of Tiger Woods, “Only way that guy doesn’t win 30 majors is if his personal life spirals out of control via an exposed extramarital history involving porn stars, initiated by a pre-Thanksgiving car accident.”

Classic card of the week

Doug Drabek, 1991 Fleer Ultra

The trinity of attaining pitching excellence is as follows, in order of importance: 1) smile, 2) pitch, and 3) hit without looking like a total doofus. And as Meatloaf once said, specifically with regards to Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doug Drabek—many people don’t know that—two out of three ain’t bad.

Let us begin:



The last time the Pittsburgh Pirates had a pitcher lead the league in victories, Doug Drabek wasn’t even born.

Because a specific date doesn’t always tickle my fancy, I enjoy relating the length of time by which something happened to the age/nonexistence of a different person. For example, if you were to say, “On December 7, 1941, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor,” I would be like, “???” But if you were to say, “When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, Bill Cosby was four years-old,” I’d be like, “Okay—I get that.”

Also, taking note that this is a 1991 baseball card, a more accurate way for this sentence to read would be: "The last time the Pittsburgh Pirates had a pitcher lead the league in victories, Doug Drabek was that pitcher." Now that, my friends, is a lede. But I digress.

Bob Friend led the NL in victories in 1958 with 22.

If you retain no other baseball statistic in your entire life, remember this one. It is on the test to get into heaven.

Also, the last Pittsburgh 20 game winner was John Candelaria (20-5) in 1977, when Drabek was all of 15-years-old.

I mean, 15 isn’t all that young, really. Wasn’t Freddy Adu 15 when he won the World Cup? I would have said something like, “John Candelaria was the last Pirates 20-game winner in 1977,” or, better yet, I wouldn’t have mentioned John Candelaria at all. In fact, if I were in charge, the entire back of this card would be two sentences which would read, “Doug Drabek won 22 games in 1990, which is cool, if you like wins, which mean close to nothing for a pitcher. Infinitely more important was his 1.06 WHIP, although he struck out one hundred fewer batters than innings pitched, so basically, he pitched like he does every year, only his teammates hit better, and speaking of hitting …” Then I would cover the rest of the empty space with these:









Did you know?
Doug’s son, Kyle Drabek, currently pitches for the Toronto Blue Jays. He was part of the trade that brought Kyle Drabek to the Blue Jays, as the Drabeks recall it.

Classic card of the week

Bill Spiers, 1994 Upper Deck

You know what I like about Bill Spiers besides EVERYTHING???!!!! The way he will sign a baseball or a baseball card while looking awesome wearing a helmet on top of his baseball hat and while not really paying attention because he is too busy trying to get the attention of an attractive female in the distance with the hope that she will notice how awesome he looks with all the protective hats protruding from his head.



Female groupies in distance: Look at Bill Speirs! Gossip, gossip, blah, blah, giggle, giggle! SO cute! You know what they say about a guy with three skulls! Giggle, giggle, hit with foul ball.

That helmet is so high atop Bill Spiers’ dome that there is ample room for a fast-moving baseball to still nail him in the head, rendering the helmet pointless, unless you count the fashion aspect of it, which is, from a monetary standpoint: priceless. It’s possible, however, that Spiers was simply basking in the glory of a facemask-less helmet that could let his brim breath a little, ya’ know? You’re just not afforded the luxury of keeping your hat on when you’re punting footballs:

He was also a punter for Clemson University.

I am assuming Wikipedia is referring to the football team, and is not implying that Clemson University employs a more general punter who is responsible for punting stuff around campus every now and then to the delight of students and faculty. Of course, with the most famous baseball player-slash-college football punter ever, Darin Erstad, as our prime example, I am also left to assume that there existed an overwhelming amount of articles, columns, and features about Bill Spiers’ scrappiness, hustle, Caucasian-ness, grit, football-mentality (wherein you tackle the opposing player, or, in this case, punt the baseball), peskiness, heart, and how his baseball statistics shouldn’t necessarily speak to his actual baseball ability because there is no statistic for grass stains on a uniform.

That football mentality and extra layer of helmet protection could have come in handy had Bill Spiers not been so blindsided one unfortunate day:

On September 24, 1999, while playing with the Houston Astros, Spiers was attacked by a 23 year old man while standing in the outfield before the bottom of the 6th inning. Teammate Mike Hampton was first on the scene and delivered several kicks to the attacker.

Mike Hampton is a pitcher. Pitchers pitch from the pitching mound. How was he the first one on the scene? The combined grit quotient of the other Astros was minus-1,095.98.

He was later quoted saying "The good thing was he didn't have a weapon... I always check right field before I deliver the first pitch.

"To, ya' know, make sure the right fielder is not getting randomly attacked," added Hampton. "Also to check the Jumbotron to make sure I am pitching that day."

It's just a habit. I looked out there and saw the guy on Billy's back... It was a scary thing. My instincts just took over. My rage took over. I was pretty furious. I wanted to get him off my teammate."

Honestly? This is the best Bill Spiers-by-way-of-Mike Hampton story I have ever read in my whole life.

After being arrested the attacker faced two counts of battery and one count of disorderly conduct. Spiers wound up with a welt under his left eye, a bloody nose and whiplash.

As a means of adding brevity to a tense and uptight clubhouse, Mike Hampton walked up to Bill Spiers the next day wearing a t-shirt that read, “NOW who’s the punter?” Everybody laughed, except Bill Spiers, who had whiplash.

Did you know?
The rumor around baseball was that Bill Spiers wore his helmet high atop his baseball cap to signify, as a nod to his football-playing days and also his off-season job as an event organizer, that he wore many hats.

Classic card of the week

Kevin Gross, 1989 Score

According to Wikipedia, Kevin Gross is a member of the Ventura County Hall of Fame. According to its website, induction into the Ventura County Hall of Fame requires that “athletes must have competed in a sport recognized by the Hall of Fame.” Makes sense. The website then goes on to list the sports recognized by the Ventura County Hall of Fame, which include Speed Boat Racing, something called Martial Arts Volleyball, and, of course, Winter Sports. Kevin Gross played baseball, which also qualified.

Anyhoo, what else?



Kevin, who has one of the league’s sharpest curves,

I just want to point out that if I did not know we were speaking about baseball, I would be left to assume that Kevin Gross had the most defined buttocks of anyone in his league. I would assume that the league in question was his fantasy martial arts volleyball league.

rebounded in 1988 from a dismal ’87 season.

When set against his career statistics, Kevin Gross’ 1987 4.35 ERA and 1.45 WHIP, for me, just reek of a herniated disc issue.

Kevin was hampered most of ’87 by a herniated disc in his lower back.

One of my absolute favorite things to do when writing these cards up is to pretend not to know what’s coming next. It makes my job as Information Consultant & Data Analyzer so much easier. Do you enjoy this as well? Not so much? Awesome!

He also was suspended for 10 days by commissioner Peter Ueberroth for sandpapering the face of a baseball in an August game against the Cubs.

Man, I miss baseball in the 80s. The bullpen car, mustaches, common maneuvers like sandpapering your balls. I mean, you can’t even bring sandpaper on a plane these days, much less hide it underneath your baseball cap during a major league game so that you can secretly use it to sharpen up your already legendary-sharp curveball. Also, according to its website: Candidates must have impeccable moral standing in the community. Sanctions by groups such as CIF, the Channel Coast Officials Association, Ventura County Football Coaches Association, school districts, etc., automatically disqualify a nomination.

I’m not sure where “sandpapering your balls” falls on the moral scale, but suffice it to say, Kevin Gross was not—I repeat, was NOT—sanctioned by the Ventura County Football Coaches Association or the CIF (County Initiatives for Fame). His inclusion in the Ventura County Hall of Fame is legitimate.

Despite all,

Despite all of the adversity Kevin Gross endured as a result of pitching relatively poorly and also cheating …

Kevin pitched over 200 innings for the third straight year.

"Pitching innings is probably the best testament to how a pitcher pitches. Because if a pitcher is pitching innings, he's pitching, and that's what pitchers do. They pitch. Kevin Gross was a pitcher, and that's why we're all here today." -- Joe Morgan, introducing Kevin Gross during Gross' induction into the Ventura County Hall of Fame.

Classic card of the week

Mauro Gozzo, 1990 Score

Mauro Gozzo. Let’s gizzo:



Mauro, who is nicknamed “Goose,”

This is a true story. One time I was playing a baseball-themed board game, and one of the categories featured scrambled letters, and with those letters you had to figure out the actual player’s name. When I drew that category, my letters read: “ G O O Z E G O S Z O.” I was stumped, and as a joke I guessed “Pat Tabler.” I made up that story.

presented the Indians his credentials for a spot in their bullpen in 1991
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Goose Gozzo, dressed in an Armani suit that features a detailed stitched calligraphy of a goose head on the back of the sport coat, walks into the front offices of the Cleveland Indians. An executive rises to meet him …

Executive: Mauro, welcome. Come in, have a seat. Sanka?

Goose: No thank you.

Executive: It’s decaf … ?

Goose: I don’t want to waste my time or yours. May I present to you my credentials for inclusion in your pitching bullpen during this, the year of nineteen-ninety-one.

Goose hands the executive a manilla folder. In the folder is a single sheet of paper. The executive pulls the paper from the folder and gently puts on his reading glasses.

Executive: All this paper reads is, “Put me in your bullpen … or else!”

Goose: Turn it over.

The executive turns over the piece of paper, which reveals a drawing, in crayon, of a decapitated goose. There is lots of red crayon blood.

Executive: Okay, I’m confused. You’re “Goose,” so are you saying if we don’t put you in the bullpen, you’re going to kill yourself?

Goose: Darn it. No … it’s supposed to mean that if you don’t put me the bullpen, I’m going to kill a goose and leave the head in your bed, so as to convince you to put me in the bullpen.

Executive: Ooooohhh, I get it! You can see how I got confused though, right?

Goose: Yeah. I was going to draw you decapitated, ya’ know, but I didn’t know what you looked like until I walked in here before.

Executive: No, no, I like this better. Really. Anyway, uh … yeah, whatever. You can pitch the seventh inning and uh, during blowouts, okay?

Goose: Deal. Can I get that Sanka now?

He caused quite a stir at the end of ’89 when he came up from Syracuse and won the first four major league games he appeared in – three as a starter and one in relief.

The stir that Mauro “Goose” Gozzo caused in Toronto and all throughout America by winning his first four major league appearances equaled, as deduced by a Canadian mathematician: Fernando Mania times 100 + Michael Jackson “Thriller” premiere – all of that times 0.

Did you know?
Mauro Gozzo is the only Goose not in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Classic card of the week

Mike Scioscia, 1989 Topps

Does anybody remember the movie Field of Dreams? It was a movie about baseball starring the guy from Thirtysomething and also the guy from Waterworld and also Darth Vadar. It is about ghosts, too. No? You should Netflix it.

Anyway, there’s a rather poignant scene where the main character, what’s-his-face, finally gets to meet his dad, who is a ghost. They never really had a great relationship when both were humans because when the son was playing Major League Baseball, and he hit his first triple, his dad wasn’t there to see it. This caused a lot of resentment, as you can imagine, because every son who grows up to become a major leaguer dreams of the day he will hit his first triple and his dad will be there, cheering him on from the stands.

In one of the last scenes in the movie, before the dramatic explosion, the son reenacts his first triple, but this time ghost dad is there, and when the son reaches third base, his dad is there to hug him. It is very emotional. I cried. Oh, ummm, I forgot—SPOILER ALERT!

Luckily for Mike Scioscia, he did not have to build a baseball field in a cornfield and alienate his neighbors and skeptical brother-in-law in order to recapture the love of his father.




Mike’s first major league Triple

The first Triple is so crucial to the father-son bond that it is always capitalized. I did not capitalize it earlier because I forgot.

occurred at Philadelphia, 5-3-80 while his father was in attendance.

What an amazing story! I am tearing up again. Let’s move on before I break down completely.

Here’s what I really want to know—how did Mike Scioscia become the Dodgers everyday catcher? Was it hard work? Scrappiness? Grittiness? Hustle? Throwbackedness? Something else? Let’s ask Wikipedia.

When I made Mike the No. 1 catcher, the writers came to me and said, "[Competing catcher] Steve Yeager said you made Scioscia the No. 1 catcher because he's Italian." I said, "That's a lie. I made him the No. 1 catcher because I'm Italian."
—Tommy Lasorda

Tommy Lasorda, everybody! Playing on the old stereotype that all Italians … ummm, are able to uh, name their catcher whoever they darn please? And if that catcher happens to also be Italian, pure coincidence! Ha, ha … what? I don’t know. Pretty safe to say that no favoritism was involved here though. Move along everybody. You too, Steve Yeager, with your lack of animated hand gestures and distaste for olives. You disgust me.

Did you know?
When Tommy Lasorda drafted Mike Piazza in the 62nd round of the 1988 MLB Draft, he was mistakenly under the impression that Piazza was German and not the son of a longtime family friend.

Classic card of the week

Tommy Gregg, 1991 Score

They say you should never trust a guy with two first names. And I should know, because I am one of those guys. I don’t even trust myself sometimes, and I am often forced to hire an independent arbitrator to review my own internal decisions. My untrustworthy parents chose to perpetuate this reality by not bestowing on me a last name as a first name—my choice: Clutterbuck Kenny—in order to balance things out, and so I am forced to wallow in a virtual force field of untrustworthiness. Just do yourself a favor and don’t believe anything I say. Except the following rambling account of nonsense, which is all true.

Luckily, Tommy Gregg is exempt from this popular mantra because it is canceled out by a separate mantra that states, “Never trust a guy named ‘Gregg.’” Also, Mr. Gregg’s full name is William Thomas Gregg, which is not only presidential (all presidents and people who sound like presidents should be trusted unconditionally), but also translates to the name, Bill Tom Gregg, which is the whitest name for a white person in the history of names. And as the old Native American saying goes, “If you can’t trust a white guy, then who can you trust?”

But besides all that, Tommy Gregg could, in fact, be trusted, especially during that most crucial of times when trust is personified—the clutch.



When Tommy wasn’t playing the outfield or platooning at first base with Francisco Cabrera in ’90,

He was at home in his wife beater eating hot pockets and watching Muppet Babies. I cannot imagine another way for this long-winded lede to conclude.

he was coming off the bench as one of the National League’s premier pinch-hitters.

Far be it from me to poke holes in the writeups on the back of early 90’s Score baseball cards for the amusement of a very, very select few, but: wouldn’t he be coming off the bench to do exactly those things he could be found doing when he was not coming off the bench? This would sort of be like saying, “When the alternative metal band Mudvayne isn’t in the studio recording albums, they are coming out with albums.”

In one game,

Small sample size is a myth. Show me a game where Tommy Gregg did something good, and I’ll show you a Hall of Famer named Tommy Gregg.

his two-run pinch double in the ninth defeated the Reds 4-3,

The Reds miraculously recovered from these Tommy Gregg clutch shenanigans to win the World Series. Other than that though, Tommy Gregg won the battle and the war.

and in another

Another game? How many games does Tommy Gregg have to be awesome in to get a full-time gig? Three? Four? I mean really.

he smashed a bases-loaded triple.

Of course he smashed it. All of Tommy Gregg’s triples bounce violently off the top of the outfield wall and would have been home runs in any other park.

Tommy even had clutch hits when he was in the regular lineup.

If you don’t believe in clutch, this sentence reads, “Tommy even had hits when he was in the lineup,” to which I would reply, “WHAT ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS AWESOME!!!!!!!!”

His three-run homer in the eighth inning beat the Expos 3-2 and he went 4-for-4 in another game.

The lesson: If you’re playing another game, just try and stop Tommy Gregg. Seriously, just try.

A gung-ho line-drive hitter

Indeed, Tommy Gregg hit line drives not only consistently, but also with great enthusiasm and with little regard for the outcome. Oftentimes, as the pitcher was in his windup, Tommy Gregg would grunt and scream loudly, “And here comes a line drive right back ATCHA! …” If he were forced to take the pitch for a ball, or swung and missed, or did anything short of hitting a screaming line drive, awkwardness ensued.

Did you know?
According to Wikipedia, Tommy Gregg holds private hitting lessons in a room in his house in Peachtree City, Georgia, which is the world's greatest recorded pick-up line, and eventually led to the popular line of t-shirts that read, "I hit a home run in Tommy Gregg's dining room."

Classic card of the week

Bobby Witt, 1990 Fleer

Part of the reason why I find the “Did you know” on the back of baseball cards so darn enjoyable is because it often strains to highlight the good, even if the player featured is/was not very good. For example, let’s say a hypothetical player—we’ll call him “Luis Castillo … son;” yes, “Luis Castilloson,” is not very good, but still plays baseball professionally. His “Did you know” can easily avoid this fact. Hypothetical example:

DID YOU KNOW? Luis was MVP of his seventh-grade Little League team … batted .301 during a seven-game stretch for the Cornsville Cornballers in ’96 … has three daughters with wife Jill … only 5th player in MLB history to hit a double with both shoelaces untied, 6/23/07 … counts eating steak among his various hobbies.

See? Easy. So it’s a bit surprising and confusing when a card, rather than draw from the well of arbitrary statistics and random personal accomplishments and interests, opts instead to focus on like, reality. Enter Bobby Witt:



DID YOU KNOW? Had highest ERA among starters …

And we’re off! By one statistical measure, I am viewing the card of the worst pitcher in baseball. Got it. Sweet! How much is this card worth? One hundred dollars? Probably.

Walked 100 or more batters for fourth straight year …

If I am person who, oddly yet feasibly, is learning about baseball only by collecting and studying baseball cards, and I am reading the back of this Bobby Witt card, I am thinking to myself, “Why do the Texas Rangers employ Bobby Witt to play baseball for them?” Then again, I suppose I could draw a similar conclusion by watching him actually pitch, but maybe this would reveal that he is a good chemistry guy with grit and heart and scrap and all those things can’t be captured with “statistics” like “Did you know?” words.

In 1987 tied ML record for most strikeouts in an inning with four …

And there’s my answer to why the Rangers love him—for quirky major league records! Not mentioned is that during this inning, Witt walked 12 batters and gave up six earned runs. Still, it was worth it.

Led AL in wild pitches in 1986 and tied for the lead in 1988 …

Wikipedia notes that many in Arlington began to call him “Witt ‘n Wild” as a play on the waterpark Wet ‘n Wild, which was located next to Arlington Stadium. I think I would have understood that reference even if the park wasn’t next to the stadium, but that the park was next to the stadium is pretty awesome, and actually improves that nickname by at least 60-percent.

All American at Oklahoma in 1985 … Member of 1984 U.S. Olympic baseball team …

Now c’mon—why you gotta go and mention things like that for? Geez, give the guy a break.

Struck out in only ML at bat.

That’s better. Hey, did you know this American League pitcher, who was a pitcher and not a hitter, struck out during his only at-bat? Ha, ha! What a loser! Honestly though—why is this even mentioned? It’s like someone is being malicious at this point.

Granted, this is not the most negative back-of-the-card tidbit ever produced. Not by a long shot. But still. I mean, sure—Bobby Witt had come control issues, obviously. But isn’t there something endearing about a guy who throws hard as heck but just can’t seem to harness it? I mean, not if he plays for your favorite team, but ya’ know … otherwise?

Anyway, I’m going to finish with a positive “Did you know?” This one’s for you, Bobby.

Did you know?
Struck out 160 in 143 IP in ‘87, which = bonkers … Nickname “Witt n’ Wild” rumored to highlight a nightlife that was envy of teammates … recovered from previous lone strikeout to hit a home run in 1997 … saved the rainforest, literally, by himself.

Classic card of the week

Larry Andersen, 1989 Topps

I just blogged in from Houston and boy, are my arms tired! What? Is this thing on? Ha, ha! No seriously folks, we’ve got a great lineup for you tonight. Some of you may remember our next act from his days pitching in relief for various Major League Baseball clubs … hilariously! Put your hands together for Larry AnderSEN!!!



Larry is widely renown for his comedic talent.

Thank you, thank you. We got any baseball fans in the house? Yeah, a few? Sounds like we got a few. The thing about baseball fans is, they’re stupid. Seriously. When I was playing, a baseball fan would come up to me and be like, “You suck!” And I’d be like, you know what? No—YOU suck! You know what I mean? Crazy. The other thing about baseball fans is, they can’t drive. Honestly. Just today I was driving behind a guy with a Cincinnati Reds bumper sticker, and the guy makes a right turn on red, and there’s a “No turn on red” sign right there! I mean, right there. How can you turn on your team like that? Buh, dum, ching! Sheesh. Also, the Reds? Really? What is this, 1975? Big Red Machine? That's a communist robot. Wake up, people!

(takes a sip of water)

So a lot of people remember me as the guy traded for Jeff Bagwell. Yep, THE Jeff Bagwell. Guy hit 449 home runs in his career. Me? I gave up 449 home runs, so it evens out! Seriously though—if hilarious anecdotes were home runs, I’d be in the Hall of Fame, first ballot. Bagwell? Pfft. Guy was as dry as a desert. True story—I told Bagwell a joke once, he didn’t laugh … just walked away. Two years later he comes up to me before a game and he says, “Hello Larry. Remember that joke you told me? I just got it yesterday. Good stuff.” No smile, nothing! I’m like, who IS this guy? Crazy. Ya’ know, they still give me grief in Boston to this day about that trade. Like it’s my fault. Like I traded myself for Jeff Bagwell. I didn’t want to go to Boston! Fans there are insane. Every time I went out there, they expected me to get every guy out. I’m like, “Uh, guys, hello? I can’t blow it past everybody. Who am I—Monica Lewinsky?”

(takes a sip of water)

Ahhhh. So I do some work for the Phillies now. Anyone out there ever been to Philadelphia? Yeah? What’s the biggest attraction in Philadelphia? A cracked bell. Think about that … a cracked bell. I feel like saying, why don’t all you idiot tourists come to my hometown of Redmond, Washington—I got a cracked toilet I can show ya’! How did the toilet get cracked? I’ll show ya’ … (places his hand underneath his armpit and squeezes down into the mic) … ffffffrrrrppppp! Now THAT’S some “liberty” (does air quotes) right there!

Speaking of toilets, I saw a lot of stuff go down in the bathroom during my big league days. And I just want to say, apropos of nothing, Bagwell was a juicer. G’night everybody!

Did you know?
Jay Leno sued Larry Andersen in 2003, accusing him of stealing a bit about how George W. Bush sometimes says words incorrectly.

Classic card of the week

Charles Johnson, 1996 Fleer METAL UNIVERSE series

The way I figure it, one of three things is going on here with this card.

a) The umpire on this particular day is a huge, horned, cartoon beast, who is either coming on to Charles Johnson, or teaching him a new catching technique that involves claws.

b) A huge, horned, cartoon beast has, unbeknownst to Charles Johnson, eaten the umpire, in which case—watch out Charles Johnson!

c) This card is stupid.

This is part of Fleer’s extremely popular-with-the-kids and very sensical “METAL UNIVERSE” series, because who wants to live in a universe without metal? Not me, that’s for sure. Also, metal and baseball go hand-in-hand like Pittsburgh and fashion. And, when one thinks of metal, the first thing this hypothetical person thinks about, besides metal, is a huge, horned, cartoon beast-like creature. Then, his mind travels to these guys!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I can read about Charles Johnson on Mike’s other blog that he writes for that I check out all the time because he is my favorite writer who writes about old stupid baseball cards—I wish I could pay him for this! But what I really want to know is, who did the pencils and CGI for this card?”

Excellent question.



Would you believe me if I told you that the same person did the pencils and CGI for this card? No? You wouldn’t believe me? Then you are way too skeptical, my good friend!

Indeed, the renowned “C. Chambers” executed the pencils and CGI here. What are “pencils?” I don’t know, but they look awesome. The reclusive C. Chambers, as you may know, also did the computer graphic imaging for the popular Pixar movie, Metal Universe, which was a mockumentary about a frog who lives in outer space and has arthritis.

Speaking of baseball, please also take note of the manly image on the back lower right of this card, which features several metal wheel thingies.

This seems to imply that this card was forged in a factory, produced and imprinted via a system of metal pulleys and levers, amidst suffocating exhaust smoke and loud clanging. Several good, company men didn’t make it out of the factory as a result; one guy lost a foot. Then, after realizing that nobody would want a metal baseball card, Fleer took the card to a postmodern office building downtown, scanned it to cardboard, added some computer graphics and then sold it on the Internet.

Miles away—their efforts and sacrifices rendered meaningless—several men stained with soot, shook their fists in the air in hopeless desperation, screaming, “Neeeeeeeerds!”

Did you know?
Metal is classified as Cb (cardboard) on the Period Table of Elements.

Classic card of the week

Derek Bell, 1996 Upper Deck "Strange But True" series

This is the third time we have approached the subject of Derek Bell around these here, and other, parts. What can I say? Operation Shutdown is an operation that is near and dear to my heart. And as if Operation Shutdown were not strange but true enough, there seems to be even more strange but true aspects of Derek Bell’s game, and his refusal to play it well and/or at all:



The title of this strange but true episode is, “To Catch a Thief.” Interesting to note that, according to Wikipedia and following Operation Shutdown, “Pittsburgh Post-Gazette” sports columnist Mark Madden summarized the incident with "Derek Bell becomes the ultimate Pirate: Lives on a boat and steals money." No other information on the Wiki page alludes to Bell living on a boat, but if he was indeed doing just that, then that is like, the best headline ever. Unrelated to accusations of stealing, Bell was eventually caught for drug possession. My knowledge of pirates begins and ends with Captain Jack Sparrow, but I think it’s safe to say that pirates use drugs, too. So there’s a lot of evidence here of Derek Bell being an actual pirate.

*Tangent: Only because “To Catch a Thief” reminds me of something else … whenever I am flipping channels and “To Catch a Predator” is on, I have to watch it. Have to. I feel like this is wrong, but it is so horribly fascinating that I cannot look away. One thing I always wondered though—they like to draw in the predator with a plate of cookies. Somebody has to bake those cookies, right? Who is responsible for baking the “To Catch a Predator” cookies? Do you think this person brings up this fact at parties? Do you like the cookies? Great! Ya’ know, they’re the same ones I bake for ‘To Catch a Predator!’ Yeah, really! Wait—don’t spit them out!” End tangent*

On June 19, not only did Bell walk on ball five when the umpire miscounted,

I will never understand how this happens. I’m all for humans, but how long is it until computers are calling baseball games? It seems like umpires only exist to protect some perceived sanctity while sacrificing accuracy. You will never convince me that when they appeal to the first or third base umpire on a checked swing that the umpire is not completely guessing. He’s like, Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow … wait, why is everyone looking at me? Ummm … think fast … {Dramatic fist pump} Yer outta here! For strike one! Yeah! Still got it. Whew. I better start paying attention though. What day is today?

but in his next at-bat, the Houston outfielder also reached base and was caught stealing twice in the inning due to an error.

First of all … what? You can’t get caught stealing twice, because if you get caught stealing once, you are required to return to the dugout. If an error was involved, you still were not “caught” stealing. Because of the error. If they are alluding to the fact that the “error” was an error on the umpire’s part in calling him safe with the replay proving otherwise, then a) wow, b) I reiterate my earlier sentiments re: umpires, and c) it’s still not getting “caught.”

Also, and I understand he probably figured he was playing with house money at this point, maybe Derek Bell should stop trying to steal bases. It’s quite possible, however, he was just living out the motto of the cartoon inset here, which reads, “If at first you don’t succeed, slide, slide again,” implying that even if there is a short brick wall in front of the base you are attempting to steal—in this case, “second base,” as the sign helpfully points out—you should simply slide headfirst into this wall repeatedly because … why not? Baseball! The manager in this cartoon reenactment is Dusty Baker.

Did you know?
Chris Hansen is doing important work, yes, but man is that dude smug.