*Special Friday edition
Roger Craig, 1986 Topps
Roger Craig was in such amazing shape during his NFL career that he could actually outrun photosynthesis. There simply wasn’t enough oxygen in the atmosphere to replace what Roger Craig would use during the most mundane of tasks, like doing laundry. Throughout his entire life, Roger Craig had conditioned himself – through a regimented series of Tae Bow moves and egg whites – to the point where he developed the closest thing to an iron lung since that of the present day Method Man. During his tenure with the 49ers, practice sessions often proved disastrous, with various teammates collapsing to the ground because Craig was unwittingly breathing in everyone else’s air. This, of course, led to the famous quote, “Roger Craig done stole’d up all my oxygen!” which was a line originally attributed to Red Foxx, until it was later discovered that Jerry Rice said it while doing a Red Foxx impression before passing out. Of course, Craig’s insatiable appetite for air would ultimately culminate in a series of oxygen tanks on the San Francisco sidelines, which were each labeled categorically, including “musty air,” “night club air,” “Staten Island air,” and “fruit punch.” Craig’s favorite was “night club air,” because it meant he was about to get some “chew-wow, wow,” which was a more enlightened term for “sexytime.” Obviously, teammates became very accustomed to watching Craig suck in manufactured air on the sidelines, and knew better than to come close to him, lest they wanted a swift kick in the nuts. But Roger Craig’s affinity for excess oxygen was treated with much less acceptance in other situations, like on commercial flights to Portland. He could not release the oxygen mask above him without accidentally releasing everyone else’s, thus sending the entire flight into a panicked frenzy. Roger Craig would often have to calm down a plane full of hysterical people by explaining to them that the plane wasn’t going down – he just needed extra oxygen because he was in super-duper physical shape. If that didn’t work, he would tell them that he knew Joe Montana, and everything was gonna be fine. Then, he would berate the stewardess because his air smelled like ass. “I swear,” Craig would later say, “airplane air is the worst. Do you know they charge for that now?”
Did you know?
Roger Craig was once kicked out of a Lawrence Taylor party for “breathing up all the goodies.”
