*Special Friday edition
David Segui, 1994 Topps
David Segui is gonna bunt the shit out of that ball, so you might want to take a step back. David Segui once bunted a ball into the dead center field “black” at Yankee Stadium. David Segui will yell at an oncoming fastball and tell it where to go, even when he is bunting. He will say, “Go halfway down the third base line you stupid ball – Glaus is playing too deep – or I will KILL YOU! I will rip the seams out of your precious little round body, and then EAT YOUR REMIANS! ARRRGHHHH!” David Segui blatantly ignores the conventional wisdom with regards to how to hold the bat when you are bunting. He really doesn’t care. David Segui’s rationale is, “So what if a 94 mph fastball hits me right in the knuckles as I’m squaring up? My hands are made of straight steel, homie. Raffy gave me about 17 HGH shots right in ol’ caboose during BP – this ball could hit me straight in the temple and I will walk to first base as if I were just hit with a raindrop. I am an indestructible bunting machine. I hope this ball ricochets right into my mouth. Seriously. That’s what I am hoping. I will stop it with my teeth and then spit it down the third base line. Then when I get to first base I am going to punch the first baseman in the face for no particular reason. Who’s playing first today? Tim Salmon? That guy’s a bitch. I will eat Tim Salmon for breakfast, and then someone will have to call his family to inform them that daddy won’t be coming home, because David Segui ate him. I am so pumped up right now. I would really like to see this ball mess with me right now. I swear – if I foul this ball straight back, I am going to do some serious damage. I will run headfirst into the center field wall and knock down this entire stadium if this stupid ball doesn’t heed to my commands. Why am I even bunting in this situation? I should be swinging for the freakin’ fences! I’m on like, eight different horse tranquilizers right now, and coach is telling me to bunt? I am going to bunt this ball over the warehouse. Then when I get back to the dugout, I am going to say something very witty, like, ‘Told you I’d move the runners over, Skip.’ I am so freakin’ hilarious, I could just kill someone…”
Did you know?
David Segui once challenged a traffic light to a fight.
