Gary Matthews, 1986 Topps
Yo, Gary Matthews! YO! Holy crap, man…get your act together! The camera’s over here, my man. For crying out loud, Gary Matthews – put your hat on straight and get out there! We’re playing the freakin’ Cardinals today – it’s only the biggest game of the season! What…do you see a UFO or something? I swear Gary Matthews, I am not going through this again with you. Did you eat the mushrooms that are growing out of the ivy again? You did, didn’t you? I can’t believe this. This is just what I needed right now, Gary. The last time this happened, you ran into the dugout screaming, claiming that Mrs. Garrett from “The Facts of Life” was in the center field bleachers with a shotgun. That looked real good on the front page of the Sun Times the next day, Gary Matthews. Seriously, thanks for that little gem. What are you working on right now, like, seven minutes of sleep? Is that an overestimation? Do you think you’re capable of catching a fly ball today, Gary Matthews? Gary? GARY?! Geez, can I have your undivided attention for like, three seconds? Is that too much to ask? Not for nothin’ Gary, but you better hope to the heavens above that you never procreate, because I’ll tell you one thing – no son of yours is going to be a ball player. You’ll be lucky if your offspring isn’t like, an ostrich or something, with all of the mushrooms you’ve taken over the past four months. You’re really hanging me out to dry here, Gary. I’m looking down my bench, and I got nothing. Nobody. Zilch. I gotta send you out there, and something’s telling me you're not going to remember the signs. Gary…GARY! You’re drooling all over the steps. You are literally drooling right now. This is fantastic. Just get the heck out there, all right? I’m going to call your wife right now and have her send over your meds. In the meantime, try and catch the ball in the middle. And like I told you last time - those aren’t leprechauns, they’re bases. You can step on them. In fact, you have to.
Did you know?
Ironically, the entire baseball world made this exact face when the Angels signed Gary Matthews, Jr. for 5-years, $50 million.
