*Special Friday edition
Dickie Noles, 1986 Topps
Dickie Noles – don’t you dare call him Richard! – was both the best pitcher ever named Dickie, and also the worst. Mostly the worst. At the time this card was printed, Dickie Noles’ career record was a rather unDickey-like 28-46. His best season by far was 1982, when, while with the Chicago Cubs (a.k.a. “The Windy City Dickies”), Noles won a whopping 10 games, which was the first and last time in his career he would attain double-digits in victories. In this case, the two digits were “1” and “0,” which is the absolute bare-ass minimum in the realm of double-digits, but did manage to earn him the nickname “Double-Digit Dickie,” which caused many confused outsiders to think that he had two penises. Amazingly, Dickie Noles also posted a double-double that season, losing 13 games as well. This earned him the nickname “Double-Double-Double-Digit Dickie,” which caused many confused outsiders to think that he had eight penises. Or 16, depending on the math. Dickie Noles would cut his penis win total in half the following year, and would win only four games in each of the following two seasons, with an ERA above 5.00. This caused many in the Rangers organization at the time to say, “Wait – why the hell are we still pitching Dickie Noles?” to which an unnamed assistant coach would reply, “Cause we heard that dude’s got like, nine penises.” Thus began the Texas Rangers’ infamous aversion to math, which culminated in 2000 when the organization promised to pay Alex Rodriguez $252 because somebody misplaced a decimal point.
Did you know?
Dickie Noles’ sister, Boobies Noles, was a terrible softball player.
Did you know Part II?
I am almost 30 years old, and still greatly amused by words like dickie and boobies.
