*Special Friday edition
Kevin Brown, 1999 Topps
Hey, buddy, ya’ gonna take this friggin’ picture or what? You think I have all day here? I’m Kevin freakin’ Brown! Do you have any idea what that means? Ugh. Look at you. You’re like, thirty pounds overweight. No wonder you became a photographer. Hey, you look familiar…did I strike you out in high school? I did, didn’t I? I definitely struck you out. Now I remember. What’s your name? Is it Fatty McTripod? No? Too bad. That’s your name. For crying out loud, why is this taking so long?! It’s a beautiful day outside! Do you know how many things I could be doing right now instead of sitting here like a total jackass? I could be throwing a no-hitter right now. In my mind, I’m throwing a no-hitter right now, right in your freakin’ face! I could be signing a ridiculous multi-year contract right now. You are literally taking money out of my pocket this very second. You owe me a bazillion dollars. I could be punching a wall in a fit of rage right now, because I have failed to live up to my own lofty expectations! Fatty, do you know that I am so good, that I have made it impossible to outdo myself? Seriously, do you have any idea what a burden it is trying to figure out a way to give up negative runs? It’s almost impossible. In fact, you should be proud of yourself today Fatty, because you’re taking a picture of perfection. Don’t even put my name at the bottom of this stupid card – just write “perfection.” Everybody’ll see that, and they’ll nod their head in agreement. Geez, my baseball cards should come in the hard plastic covering right out of the pack! That’s how good I am. No, no, no, wait – my baseball cards shouldn’t even come in packs, because I should never be touching other players. My cards should be made out of delicate rose pedals, and you should only be able to buy them in like, India or something. That’s far, right? India? Wow, all this talk is hurting my back. Fatty, my back hurts. Do something! Get me a freakin’ pillow, will ya’! Sheesh, what do they teach you guys in picture-taking school? No, no, this pillow is too hard. It’s hurting my back even more! My back just went out. Fatty, for crying out loud, my back just went out! This is all your fault! When I feel better, I am going to punch you in the face. Wait, what time is it? Is it three o’clock yet? I always drink my herbal tea at three o’clock. It keeps me regular. Fatty, listen, go get me some herbal tea, and while you’re there, tell whoever my manager is that I’m not pitching again for six weeks. Do you think you can handle that? Hmmm?
Did you know?
Ironically, Kevin Brown owes the Yankees a bazillion dollars.
