Scott Karl, 1999 Upper Deck
Me: Hey Scott Karl, can you sign my Scott Karl card featuring Scott Karl signing a Scott Karl card?
Scott Karl: What? You trying to be funny or something buddy? Cause I’ll kick your f*&^%$ ass.
Me: Whoa, slow down Scott Karl! Nobody’s trying to be funny here. I’m just looking for an autograph from one of my all-time favorite players.
Scott Karl: Oh yeah? Well, what do you know about Scott Karl? Let’s see how big of a fan you really are…
Me: Okay, well…I know you like pointy Oakley sunglasses.
Scott Karl: True, true. Go on.
Me: Okay, I know that you pitched -- and won! -- the first game the Brewers played as a National League team since 1965, a 6-4 victory over the powerhouse Expos on Opening Day in 1998.
Scott Karl: Ya’ heard! Tell me more.
Me: I know that on that day, you “scattered seven hits over 6.1 innings,” which is a lot of scattering.
Scott Karl: I like to scatter, yes. How did you know?
Me: I know that if having an ERA in the 4’s is wrong, then you don’t want to be right.
Scott Karl: What the fff-
Me: I know that you blast Limp Bizkit in your Jeep, I know that you weigh 206 lbs, and that, on several occasions, you’ve shoved smaller men for “looking at your girl the wrong way.” I know that you initiate approximately 48 high-fives a week, for reasons ranging from seeing a big pair of boobs, to getting a good batch of nachos at TGI Fridays. I know that you get defensive when other people manipulate your name to make it sound dirty, and that the Brewers suck. I know that you’re going to sign my Scott Karl card, because by 2001, not many people are going to be asking you to sign their Scott Karl card.
Scott Karl: Whatever dude. Gimmie a pen.
Me: You have one already.
Scott Karl: Do you want me to capitalize “Assface?”
Me: That would be great.
Did you know?
Scott Karl played the bad guy in a late 90's movie called, "Grounds Rule Double," which was about a dyslexic orphan named Billy Grounds trying to make it to the big leagues.
