Cardinals versus Redskins: Tale of the Tape

Note: This column appears in the 10/18 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/19 issue of the Peoria Times

The Arizona Cardinals travel to Washington this week to face a surprising Washington Redskins team. The surprise is that they’re decent, though the same could be said of the Cards. Anyhoo, in leu of stringing together moderately coherent sentences, I’ve instead decided to do a “Tale of the Tape” featuring random words and choppy phrases that make no sense to anyone who is unfamiliar with either team. This is where my lack of a journalism degree really comes in handy! Hi mom!

Arizona Cardinals (3-3) versus Washington Redskins (3-2)

Nickname: (Cardinals) Inappropriate, needs to be changed


Protector of the desert

Nickname: (Redskins) Offensive, needs to be changed


Redskins: Taught the Pilgrims how to play trombone

Advantage: Arizona Cardinals Scorpions

Head Coach: (Cardinals) Young, seems to like football, defers to no one

Head Coach: (Redskins) Old, seems to like car racing, defers to assistant coaches, old

Advantage: Push

Quarterback: (Cardinals) Currently accepting applications

Quarterback: (Redskins) One of the most promising young QBs in the NFL

Advantage: Redskins

Running back: (Cardinals) Miami-bred, good-not-great, not really a threat to break one, gold teeth, ruined my fantasy team last year

Running back: (Redskins) Maimi-bred, good-not-great, weird, a threat to break one (if by "one" you mean "knee"), ruining my fantasy team this year

Advantage: Push

Wideouts: (Cardinals) Tall, strong, fast, good, lots

Wideouts: (Redskins) Diminutive, fast, injured, expensive

Advantage: Cardinals

Tight end: (Cardinals) What's that?

Tight end: (Redskins) Arguably the league's best

Advantage: Redskins

Defense: (Cardinals) On the rise, great against the run, the team's strength, safety Adrian Wilson is nuts, but in a good way

Defense: (Redskins) Solid, have only allowed five touchdowns in five games, safety Sean Taylor is nuts, but in a bad way

Advantage: Cardinals...just barely

Owner: (Cardinals) Not very popular, reputation for not throwing any money around

Owner: (Redskins) Not very popular, reputation for throwing too much money around

Advantage: Push

Fan Base: (Cardinals) Frustrated but optimistic, perpetually dealing with transplants from different parts of the country rooting for other team (and "covering" theirs...poorly)

Fan base: (Redskins) Dress like hogs, I don't get it, thank my lucky stars each and every day I'm not one of them

Advantage: Cardinals


Yeah, Ma?! Listen -- I forgot my pig nose again. I need you to send it with Jimmy...

Momentum: (Cardinals) Just lost to Vinny Testaverde at home, lost their starting quarterback, who was originally their backup quarterback

Momentum: (Redskins) Coming off of a loss at Lambeau Field to the resurgent Packers

Advantage: Redskins

Home City: (Cardinals) Awesome. Home of the Glendale Star! occasionally hot

Home City: (Redskins) Corrupt, home to lesser newspapers, sometimes referred to as the "Murder Capital of the World," cherry blossoms

Advantage: Cardinals

History: (Cardinals) Prefer not to talk about it

History: (Redskins) 3-time Super Bowl champions

Advantage: Redskins

Notable Leg Injury: (Cardinals) Kicker Bill Grammatica tears ACL after jumping up and down like an idiot while celebrating a first quarter field goal

Notable Leg Injury: (Redskins) Lawrence Taylor shatters Joe Thiesmann's leg on "Monday Night Football"



Advantage: Cardinals (for comedy)
Redskins (for grossness)

Fight Song: (Cardinals) Could use one; suggestion: "Kick in the Door," Notorious B.I.G.

Fight Song: (Redskins) "Hail to the Redskins"

Advantage: Redskins

This Sunday: (Cardinals) Jetlag, Tim Rattay, +6

This Sunday: (Redskins) Lest we have a Mark Brunnell sighting...

Advantage: Redskins

So, judging by the “Tale of the Tape,” it appears as though the Redskins have a slight advantage heading into this week’s matchup. Personally, I think the Cardinals have their work cut out for them, considering that they’re across the country, on the road, and pretty much without a healthy quarterback who knows all the plays. That could be a recipe for disaster. But, I’ve learned not to doubt Ken Whisenhunt and this Cardinals’ defense.

Either way, this team needs a fight song. Stat. And a quarterback. That would also help.