Classic card of the week

Greg Cadaret, 1988 Topps

So you’re Greg Cadaret. Just last year you made the transition from Double A Huntsville, to Triple A Tacoma, to the big leagues. Your dream of becoming a major league ballplayer was finally realized. Your family had a big party and everything. There was cake. Even Aunt Sherry was there, and she didn’t even come to your own wedding.

You grew a mustache. Or, possibly, you already had one. You grew a better one. You spent some of your newfound dough on snow tires for your truck, and you bailed your friend Jimmy out of jail, who was arrested for selling malfunctioning Chia Pets to elderly women. Your hometown of Lakeview, Michigan held a parade in your honor. You wore your uniform and sat on top of a giant baseball glove-shaped float and blew bubbles. Your birthday -- February 27th -- was declared a local holiday in Lakeview, and everything in town will shut down on that day for the rest of eternity, so that the citizens will have a full 24 hours to reflect on your greatness.

The sky is the limit for your life and your career. In your first taste of the bigs, you wowed the fans with a 6-2 record, a miniscule 4.54 ERA, and a horrible stellar 1.25 strikeout-to-walk ratio. The Oakland A’s want to sign you long-term for $12 billion, but you think you can do better. Even though you’re a pitcher, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco want to make you an honorary “Bash Brother.” Madonna asked about you. You are married, but you are not ruling anything out.

Everything is there for you. But there remains one more piece of business that needs to be taken care of in order to make the cycle complete. You need a baseball card -- the only concrete piece of evidence that you are a Major League Baseball player. Everything else is fleeting. After all, how will people in the year 2008 remember you? Today you are preparing for your first baseball card -- your rookie card! -- and the company taking your picture is none other than the Bradlees of baseball cards: Topps. They tell you it’s not going to be an action shot, but a pose. And a close-up. Very close-up. You want the picture to encapsulate everything that Greg Cadaret is about. Your struggle. Your ambition. Your mustache. The twinkle in your eye will provide inspiration for future generations. This baseball card will speak volumes about the man you are, and onlookers will be provided a brief glimpse into your very soul.

You are Greg Cadaret. And you are ready for your close-up.

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Nailed it.

Did you know?
Greg Cadaret is allergic to beans.