Vladimir Guerrero, 2000 Upper Deck’s Most Wanted
Captain Williams: Alright everyone, get in here. Stevenson—work the projector. Johnson—grab me a coffee, will ya’? The rest of you knuckleheads, listen up! Got one that just came down from the feds, and it’s a doozy. Russian guy, from the Dominican, working in Canada. I have no idea how this one ended up in our jurisdiction …
Officer Daniels: ‘Cause the Feds can’t do their JOB, that’s why!
Capt. Williams: Shut yer cakehole, Daniels! But you got a point. Anyway, Stevenson—flash the info …
Projector turns on, displays a graphic image of a naked, overweight woman riding a go cart. Room erupts in laughter and cat calls.
Capt. Williams: For crying out loud, Stevenson!
Officer Stevenson: It wasn’t me, Cap. It was probably Sully. After all, it’s HIS mom!
Officer Sullivan: You wish, Stevenson!
Officer Stevenson: What does that even mean, Sully? You’re such a moron.
Capt. Williams: Alright, cut the crap, guys! Where’s the Guerrero file?
Officer Stevenson: I don’t know, Cap.
Officer Johnson: Maybe she ate it! Ha, ha …
Capt. Williams: Yes, good point, Johnson. Maybe the large woman on the screen riding a go cart ate the Guerrero file. Your wit knows no bounds. Stevenson—your dad was the best officer I ever worked with, but he obviously taught you nothing. Now sit down! And everyone, pay attention! We’re dealing with one of the most wanted men around right now, and I’m not about to lose another one of you, not today, and not any day!
Room tightens up, each officer adjusts himself in his chair and focuses intently on his captain.
Capt. Williams: Alright, then. His name is Vladimir Guerrero. He’s 6’3” and 206 lbs. He (flipping through papers) … bats right handed.
Room looks on, confused.
Capt. Williams: Says here, he uh … set a club record with 42 home runs in 1999, and also had a … 31-game hitting streak.
Officer Sullivan: (under his breath, yet audible) Monster!
Capt. Williams: He, uh, continues to put up the kind of numbers in Montreal that place him among the game’s elite talents. And he may possess the best all-around game. So that’s what, uh … that’s what we’re working with here.
Officer Johnson: Raises hand.
Capt. Williams: This isn’t Kindergarten, Johnson! Do you have to make a wee-wee? What do you want?
Officer Johnson: Sorry, Cap. Just one question. So, ummm … what is he wanted for?
Capt. Williams: Well, it looks he’s wanted for being, ya’ know, a really good baseball player or something.
Officer Daniels: Shoot to kill?
Capt. Williams: You know the drill.
