Come eat free onion rings and make me feel better about myself

Note: This column appears in the 5/12 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/13 issue of the Peoria Times

On Friday May 20, from 3 to 5 p.m., I will be at Firebirds Restaurant in Peoria signing copies of my new and only book, So, Do You Like … Stuff? I have absolutely no idea what this is going to be like.

My biggest fear, of course, is that no one will show up. To combat this, I have kindly asked all three of my friends who live in Arizona to come and support me. My plan, if no one else shows, is to pretend that I do not know these people, sign their books, pose for pictures (with the forthcoming captions describing them as “fans”), and then demand that they go home, change clothes, and come back. My only fear, of course, is that they won’t show up.

Luckily, my parents are almost certain to be there. They are traveling all the way from New Jersey, not so much for this as to, as my dad said, “check out more of Phoenix … do they have a zoo or something?” but still. It is certain to be a very emotional event for them. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was almost suspended from school because I, in an effort to make my friends laugh, walked into a nearby liquor store, picked up two bottles of something and danced like an idiot in the direction of the store clerk, put the bottles back then ran away, at which point the cops picked me up. It was the best ride home ever! Undoubtedly my parents wondered if I’d ever amount to something, and now they will proudly watch me sign copies of my book—one chapter is about clogging the toilet—for several friends who I am pretending are strangers.

Also, many of the subjects of my weekly columns will be there. For example, a stray shopping cart, some giant flying tacos, and several local dentists, pending approval by Firebirds. And who knows? Maybe a certain one-year old who I write about way too often will be in attendance screaming with joy, or anger, or for no reason whatsoever. She gives hi-fives now, so that should kill an hour or so.

Actually, speaking of her … Shortly after we adopted our daughter last summer and I wrote about it, we traveled back east for a mini vacation. When I returned to work, a pile of mail sat on my desk, as expected. As I sifted through the pile, however, I pulled out a few heartfelt, congratulatory cards from several loyal readers. Besides the overwhelming gratitude I felt towards those wonderful people who took the time to acknowledge such a life-altering event, it was a seminal moment for me personally, as it made me say—wow, people are actually reading my column.

So, if you are indeed one of the confirmed several people who enjoy, tolerate, or just indifferently read the column, please stop by Firebirds next Friday. I want to thank you. I want to thank you mostly by selling you my book, but also with a handshake, or maybe a hug if it’s deemed appropriate. You’re not a pervert, are you? We’ll see, I guess.

Bring your copy of So, Do You Like … Stuff? or buy one there. I will write or even draw almost anything you want inside the book. I’ll be set up near the bar area, where happy hour prices will be in effect. Appetizers will be complimentary. Also, please bring a change of clothes, and maybe a wig, just in case.

Something a little extra for the readers of this column

Note: This column appears in the 4/14 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/15 issue of the Peoria Times

My wife and I, shamelessly, as a means of relieving stress and ignoring the more meaningful events and concerns of the day, watch “Extra.”

Honestly? It might be the worst show on television. Hosted by Mario Lopez, most of the “stories” involve Mario Lopez doing things that require him to take his shirt off, like working out, or eating, or talking to other people. The show will also tease a “story” before a commercial like, “What was Kate Hudson doing at Baby Gap? (Cut to terrible, blurry still shot of her holding up a pair of tiny overalls.) Is there a BABY on the way? ‘Extra’ has the story, next … Extra, extra!” Then, after the commercial and more buildup in which they blame “the paparazzi” for the photo even though they took it because they are the paparazzi, we find out she was shopping for her niece. “Extra” reveals this information as if we were stupid for thinking otherwise.

Other than that, the show is one big infomercial. Products are disguised as prizes and random and oftentimes obscure celebrities are featured either because they have a new movie to promote or a new book coming out (or, because they are dead, dying, or rumored to be dying—you stay classy, “Extra”).

The book thing used to drive me crazy, being a writer of words and all. I always wanted to write a book, and my wife constantly urged me to do so, but I always seemed to find a reason why I couldn’t. Then I would sit there watching “Extra” only to discover that the neighbor from the popular early 90’s sitcom “Empty Nest” had written a book about his experiences on the “Empty Nest” set and also how he defeated kidney stones. “WHO WOULD READ THAT?!” I would scream as I stormed out of the room, only to excitedly return for the next segment.

Well, thankfully for my sanity, I have finally written a book. It is about losing the extra baby weight, life on the red carpet, and living with an abusive aunt. But mostly it’s about none of those things.

The book is called, So, Do You Like … Stuff?, which is the same name as my blog and which, before you ask, is a reference to a line from “The Simpsons” that I believe encompasses the overall nature of the topics involved.

If you like my column, which I hope you do and which I think you might since you are reading this one, I think you will really like the book. Some of the columns featured on these very pages are in there, except reworked to include 80-percent more awesomeness! Plus there’s a ton of other new, ya’ know … stuff. It’s not one of those comprehensive books with a beginning, middle, and end—so annoying, am I right?—but a collection of brief, concise, and, I hope, very funny anecdotes that are often Valley-centric and that will leave you feeling all happy and warm inside.

Next month I’ll be hosting a book signing/release event at Firebirds in Peoria, and there will be more on that in the coming weeks. I am not sure if “Extra” will be there, because they haven’t called me back, but if they are, dress provocatively. If you can’t wait until then—and who could blame you?—you can buy the book now at Authorhouse.com here.

On a somewhat serious note, mostly because I am feeling very sappy about realizing a lifelong dream, thank you to every single person who reads and enjoys this column. I’m consistently humbled and amazed that people actually do. Now get out there and buy my book before you make a grown man cry.


Up next on "Extra" ... Is it hot in here or is it me? We're talking "stuff" with former child actor Mike Kenny ...

The book of this blog is now available from this blog!

Hi everyone.

I wrote a book, which is a collection of material, some from this very blog -- but better and newer! -- plus a lot of unreleased stuff. I think that, maybe, you should buy it. Here. Because that would be awesome. For me. But also you! I hope.

Much more to come on this endeavor, to the point that you will be sick about it and will buy the book just to shut me up.

Oh, also -- thank you to every single person who reads this blog. I truly, honestly, sincerely appreciate it.

Love,

Mike.