Smashmouth: "All Star," explained

Today we continue our randomly strung-together series breaking down "classic" songs that I am reminded of when I hear them somewhere and suddenly come to the realization that, "Wow, that song is stupid." Featured here is Smashmouth's "All Star," which you may have heard during every movie you've ever seen within the past decade. Please enjoy.

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Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

Allow me to begin my endeavor by acknowledging the popular adage: The world is gonna roll you. This is a clever way of saying that the world –- which is like a ball -– will eventually roll you over. With hardships. As far as the “somebody” who told me? None other than William Franklin Shakespeare. Yeah. I drew the line from the wonderful yet largely ignored Shakespearean play entitled “All-Star,” in which the antagonist, “Smashmouthikus,” utters the dramatic line, “Thy world shall roll thee.”

I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed

Allow me now, as a follow-up to my previous sentiment, to acknowledge that: I am a dumbass.

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an “L” on her forehead

I hope you have enjoyed the imagery of a female character I have yet to introduce making the “loser” symbol on her forehead. How this relates to any other part of this song has yet to be determined. Is she making the loser sign at me because I am a dumbass? Or at herself because she is also a dumbass? It’s difficult to say. I do however, find it interesting how “shed” sort of rhymes with “forehead.”

Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming

New thought alert! Listen -- I graduated with a 2.9 GPA from the Northeast Technical Institute of Smartness. I have done an exhaustive amount of research on the subject, and was awarded the Achievement in the Field of Excellence trophy by my brother-in-law at our annual family reunion, which is where I revealed my thesis. And what I had discovered is this: Time does not stop.

Seriously. One year it’s this year, and the next year it’s a different year. It’s crazy!

Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running

This line has two meanings. On one hand, I equate rules with hungry animals. And society always tries to feed me to those rules. Because rules, like caged animals, are insatiable in their hunger for obedience. On the other hand, I am also fed up with those rules. So, in my quest to rid myself of being eaten by rules or to simply avoid adhering to them, I have decided to hit the ground running, which is just a nonsensical cliché that cannot actually be incorporated into any aspect of my life. Take that, rules!

Didn’t make sense not to live for fun

Ya’ know what I realized doesn’t make sense? Anything in life in which the end result does not equal fun. I thought of this while trying in vain to put together a rolling filing cabinet that I bought from IKEA. So I just dropped those mini tools, ran outside –- hitting the ground running, mind you -- and got drunk. It was the funnest day ever! I assume that this philosophy of living solely for fun can be easily translated to all areas of everyday life. Like parenting.

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

I hate it when your brain gets smart but the rest of your head -– all the parts that can neither retain or reject intellect, as they do not themselves have brains -– get dumber. This only happens to me on two occasions: 1) when I’m living for anything but fun, and b) when I am reading James Joyce’s “A Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man” while drinking a Big Gulp slurpee.

So much to do so much to see so what’s wrong with taking the back streets?

There is too much to do and see in life to waste your time in getting there faster by taking I95. What you need to do is live life to the fullest by taking the back streets, so that you can see what life really has to offer. Which is mostly residential housing.

You’ll never know if you don’t go

You cannot really know anything unless you actually go there. For example: South Dakota? I remain skeptical.

You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

“Shine” and “glow” are both figurative terms used to describe standing out. So this is sort of like saying, “You’ll never stand out if you don’t stand out.” Pointless? Possibly. But you cannot deny it as a truism. It should also be mentioned that this song reached No. 4 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Hey now, you’re an All Star, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid

I hope that I have adequately motivated you do something via my song-writing technique of randomly strung together words and awful clichés. What’s that? You’re still not going to hockey practice or your clarinet lessons? Hold on…

All that glitters is gold

This is actually in direct contrast to a truer and more meaningful cliché. Nevertheless, I recommend you get out there and glitter as a means of displaying your overall worth as a human being.

Only shooting stars break the mold.

You? You are a shooting star! Now get out there and break the mold with your glitter! And bygone it -– don’t forget to shine! And when you go, take the back streets, and try not to get a dumb head, okay? Just remember –- hit the ground running and don’t look back at the rules that are trying to eat you. And hey -– live for fun, alright? Because time doesn’t stop! And pay no attention to that girl making the loser sign at you. That’s my sister. And she’s a bitch.

Bon Jovi: "I'll Be There For You," explained

Today we continue our randomly strung-together series breaking down "classic" songs that I am reminded of when I hear them somewhere and suddenly come to the realization that, "Wow, that song is stupid." Featured here is Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You." I left out a few lines and the mercilessly repeated chorus. Please enjoy.

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You say this time you’re really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye

Your suitcase did not like, literally, say goodbye. That would be crazy. I heard that freakin’ thing rolling all over my new Brazilian hardwood floors, and I was like, “Well, guess the bitch is leaving…again.”

Well as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love, it’s suicide

True love is like suicide because after you’ve been a total jerk to someone that you apparently love for like, many years or something, inevitably your heart will fall out of your body as that person finally and justifiably decides to leave you. Snapple fact: Every person who has ever fallen in true love has died of suicide.

You say you’ve cried a thousand rivers
And now you’re swimming for the shore

I hope you didn’t actually say that. Because that is totally stupid. Really though -– you’re swimming in a sea of your own tears towards the shore? A shore that symbolically represents a person who is not me? Please. You should have swam back to third grade literature class so you could have come up with a less-cliched metaphor than that.

You left me drowning in my tears
And you won’t save me anymore

See that? THAT’S how you do a tear-metaphor. Bam. You’re swimming in your tears? Well I’m drowning in mine. And you won’t even save me! See how I twisted that around? Now you’re the bad guy in this scenario. That’s why I’m Bon Jovi and you’re just some person. But seriously -– don’t leave. I love you.

I’ll be there for you
These five words I swear to you

Yep. I checked. It’s five words. I had to combine “I” and “will” though to form a contraction, or else it would have been six words. And I didn’t want to say “these six words” because “six” sound like “sex,” and “Sex Words” is the name of a new R. Kelly album and I didn’t want people getting confused.

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I don’t even care. I’ll be air. Whatever. Breathe me in. Bon Jovi air tastes like Aqua Net and tube socks, so it’s pretty much the best air around. The point is: I’m there for you. Like air.

I’d live and I’d die for you

Listen, I just thought of something. I can't really die for you, because then I wouldn’t be there for you, right? Hmmm? Exactly. But I would totally live for you. I mean, not just for you. My mom, too. And a few other people. But I’ll definitely stay alive. If that’s what you want.

Steal the sun from the sky for you

You want the sun? I’m freakin’ Bon Jovi. I’ll go up there and get it. And that shizz is like a million degrees or something. Whatever. What’s that sky? You want a piece of me? I don’t think so! I’ll lasso that sun with the complimentary rope they gave me from “Young Guns.” But hey -– when the rest of life in this galaxy becomes unsustainable because of your bizarre and selfish demands, don’t blame me. I’m just saying.

Words can’t say what love can do

Indeed, they cannot. Although I just tried, and some of the words I used involved me stealing the sun from the sky. That’s probably as close as any words have come to nailing what love is all about. I smell a Grammy.

I know you know we’ve had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place

That time we went to the county fair and you dropped your Toasted Almond bar on my crotch? I stuffed that time in my closet next to my slippers. And you say I don’t care.

I can’t promise you tomorrow
But I can’t buy back yesterday

I hope you are enjoying your ride on the Bon Jovi excuse train. I wash my hands of all past mistakes and I guarantee nothing when it comes to the future. Also, today I have to go to my cousin’s house and then we have a show at nine, so you’re on your own. I don’t really know what else I have to say to convince you that I’ll be there for you.

And baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your Valentine

You think they wash these microphones on tour? Pfft. I am as blue collar as it gets, except for the puffy hair, makeup and assless chaps. Plus I was totally going to take you out for Valentine’s Day until you asked me to use hand sanitizer before diving into my bucket of Alaskan crabs. You are so high maintenance and I’m so blue collar. I’m like Billy Joel and you’re like Christie Brinkley, to use an analogy involving a less-talented musician than myself.

I’ll be the water when you’re thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I’ll be wine

Are my metaphors involving things that the human body consumes in order to sustain life/get drunk becoming redundant? I didn’t think so.

And I wasn’t there when you were happy

Could it be that my absence in some way played a part in your happiness? I hope not, because then I will have a write a new song. A song about cowboys!

I wasn’t there when you were down

Let’s just lay it all out there, okay? I was never there. But now I will always be there. I don’t understand your skepticism.

I didn’t mean to miss your birthday, baby

Okay, so I missed your birthday. But I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t as if I was all like, “Oh, it’s her birthday today? Whatever. I’m just gonna sit here and play checkers and maybe make out with someone!” No, baby! I was doing something. And she didn’t even mean anything. Also, happy belated birthday. It’s a toaster. But wait –- pop it up. See? Two tickets to “Cats” tonight, upper deck! I can’t go.

I wish I’d seen you blow those candles out

What did you wish for? Me to be there, probably. You’re so clingy. On my last birthday I wished to write the greatest rock ballad ever.

So yeah, wishes do come true.


They washed my hands for this photo. But it wasn't my idea