The gift of soon-to-be outdated technology can be free, sort of

Note: This column appears in the 3/10 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/11 issue of the Peoria Times

My brother-in-law, God bless him, gave my wife an iPad. I was actually going to buy her one for her birthday, and was about to approach her with the awkward question of, “Can you help me pay for it?” when we got the news. I was very relieved at being off the hook, and am hoping a $25 iPad accessory will knock her socks off just the same.

My brother-in-law was able to give his sister the best new tech device on the market because he won an iPad at work. My brother-in-law has the type of job where you can win an iPad at work. I bring a sandwich to work every day, so I can’t say I felt too bad, although the gesture remains amazingly kind. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want one for himself, but he a) recognized that she could utilize it more for professional purposes, and b) he preferred to get the latest version when it arrives at a later date—that date being Friday when the iPad 2 arrives.

In fact, it’s those warp-speed advances in technology that amaze me more than anything. For example, we already have an Apple computer, and we only had to hook the iPad up to it to get it started. Easy, right? Well, in doing so we discovered that our operating system was not compatible—we purchased our computer just over three years ago—meaning that two Apple products could not sync because one, from the ancient year of 2007 AD, was so comically outdated. So, I needed to purchase a new operating system so we could use our free iPad. I found myself ordering something called a “snow leopard” and when it arrived we cautiously installed it and watched the progress bar move for 45 minutes with our hearts in our throats as our computer began making many strange noises. My wife was worried the screen was going to go black and flash the message, “You’ve been bit by the snow leopard!” and we would lose all of our stuff.

Thankfully, that did not happen. However, the excitement of successfully installing the new system was tempered by the realization that in about two months it will be outdated, and we’ll have to purchase the “sweaty panther 2.3 OSZ” system in order to keep up ($39.99). Also, I do realize that most of what I’m saying here is not making a lick of sense to many people. I’m sorry. Consider this column for all my tech-geeks out there … what’s up playas? Operating systems are craaaazeeeee, yo! See, I’m down!

Anyway, once that was done my wife was able to hook up the iPad. That evening we both sat at our kitchen table, she on her iPad and I on the Macbook, as she occasionally texted on her Blackberry and I charged my iPod and listened to iTunes. We did not speak directly to each other for over an hour. It was the most romantic evening ever.

Also, the iPad is amazing. A-maz-ing. There is almost no limit to how it will enable her to better interact with the kids she works with on a daily basis. Of course, the first thing she did once she set it up was go on facebook. Still though.

Surely, three years—or, three minutes—from now something newer and better will hit the market, and my fingers are crossed that my brother-in-law will win one at work and give it to us for free. In the meantime, I’m off to buy my wife a sexy new iPad screen protector. Shhhh! Don’t say anything.


You were looking for OSX Tiger? Pfftt, what is this -- 2009? Ha, ha. Seriously though -- I ate him.

The technological revolution hits home

Note: This column appears in the 2/25 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/26 issue of the Peoria Times

The evolution of our family –- namely of our parents –- as it relates to technology has been an adventure.

She’s going to kill me when she reads this, but the first time my mother-in-law used email, she sat at the keyboard, typed her message, and then walked away. Having never hit “send,” she had just assumed that the email had reached its destination, like a prayer. Now, after a lot of hard work and admirable dedication, she has a Gmail account and texts us using modern shorthand that even we don’t understand.

My father-in-law, on the other hand, has always embraced technology. It is rumored that he owned the first car phone in Brooklyn, which was actually just a phone booth in the passenger seat of his car. Because of his business and hectic lifestyle, he currently owns approximately eight cell phones – two of which are Blackberries (!) -- several of which he will frequently misplace, and which he’ll have to call with one of the other phones to find. Last month while here in AZ he walked into a restaurant wearing a headset while talking on a different phone and texting on another. When asked where he’d like to sit, the waitress was told, “the closing is set for Tuesday.”

My parents are a different story altogether. They always try, often in vain. Last year they purchased a Mac so they could more easily video chat with us from back east. Macs, as you may know, are famously user friendly and low maintenance. My parent’s Mac however, has managed to befuddle everyone at Apple for the better part of a year. Subsequently, our video chats with my parents typically involve us looking at their foreheads and the words “you’re breaking up.”

Whenever they travel my parents feel comforted by their GPS device even though a) they never update the software for it and b) the only feature they use is the estimated time of arrival, which my dad will constantly observe throughout the trip as proof that the GPS is working. (As a side note, contrary to my father-in-law’s affinity for technology, the GPS is his worst enemy. His directional instinct always wins out. He only owns one because it’s technology.)

Currently my mom is enjoying taking videos with her iPod. Nevermind that she doesn’t know how to upload them or send them out. And pictures? My mom isn’t really sure how to upload those either or how to categorize them. So about once a year we’ll get sent an album that will feature pictures from Christmas 2003 mixed in with shots of the cats licking themselves.

But whether they’ve always embraced it, recently mastered it, or are still a work in progress, the fact that our family is using technology is what allows us to stay in touch from thousands of miles away. Last weekend we video chatted with my in-laws, which was pretty much just them happily watching their hopefully-soon-to-be-granddaughter eating jar food. Even when our family can’t be here, they’re here.

When my parents’ Mac gets out of the shop, we’ll video chat with them again, too. In the meantime they’ve recently joined the texting community. My dad’s first text ever was sent to my mom while she was here in AZ. But my mom had left her phone upstairs, so when I happened to call my dad he explained that he had texted my mom and never heard back and thus didn’t know if it “went through.” I assured him that it did, like a prayer, and then I said one.