Jose Canseco, 1991 Score
Jose Canseco was a Master Blaster. This may seem obvious from the above card, but not many people are aware of just how masterful Jose Canseco was at blasting. Allow the comic book-hero description on the back of this card to elaborate: Perhaps the most devastating and feared offensive force in baseball, Jose can destroy timid pitchers. Ummm, “perhaps?” Jose Canseco feasted on the endless carousel of timid Major League pitchers placed before him. You know the type - trembling as Jose approached the plate, pooping their pants, and curling up in the fetal position immediately after tossing Jose a 68mph meatball, only occasionally working up the courage to strike out Jose Canseco a mere 158 times in 1991. Yeah, that kind of timid. And just so you know, the use of the term “destroy” is quite literal in this case. In 1988, Jose Canseco hit a 700-foot home run off of Baltimore’s Doug Sisk, causing Sisk to spontaneously combust. But wait, there’s more: Tremendously strong, with a remarkably quick bat, he hits monmouth home runs that leave other players in awe. This, of course, means only one of two things: a) Jose Canseco was so tremendously strong that he often hit home runs all the way to Monmouth County, NJ, or b) Jose Canseco wrote this. I’m going with the latter. Anyway, let’s find out more: Jose is an intimidating player, a pure power hitter, with great all-around skills. He is the only major leaguer to ever hit over 40 home runs and steal more than 40 bases in one season. In 1990, Jose master-blasted 400 cc’s of rhinoceros DNA into his left ass check in preparation for a day-night doubleheader. He also once let a fly ball bounce off of his head for a home run.
Did you know?
Although the Stevie Wonder song “Master Blaster” is not technically about Jose Canseco, it was Canseco himself who brought peace to Zimbabwe. With a monmouth home run.
