City, Goldwater eat dessert, fight, document it all

Note: This editorial appears in the 5/5 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/6 issue of the Peoria Times

Have you ever read 100 pages about something and learned less? No? Then you should totally check out the transcript of the meeting between the City of Glendale and the Goldwater Institute. It’s chock full of nothing.

To recap the issue at hand: The City of Glendale reached a deal with businessman Matthew Hulsizer to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes so that the team can remain in Glendale. The Goldwater Institute, which is an organization that does … something, is challenging the legality of the deal, stressing the risk to taxpayers. These two sides came together for a meeting two weeks ago in which the goal was, apparently, to pretend they didn’t despise each other and to eat cupcakes.

Indeed, someone brought cupcakes to the meeting, and the first few pages of the report detail this fact. I’m not sure why this needed to be documented, but it did lead to Glendale Mayor Elaine Scruggs posing the question, “What does ‘ooey-gooey’ mean?” which was the only question of the meeting that was actually answered, albeit inaccurately. “Ooey-gooey,” according to Starlee Rhoades, “is chocolate and more chocolate and peanut butter.” Hmmm. I thought “ooey-gooey” meant sticky and messy—a perfect description of these proceedings. But hey, whatever.

The Goldwater Institute had “seven questions” regarding the Coyotes deal which they wanted to outline and then discuss. Goldwater CEO Darcy Olsen planned to go over each question individually, but Mayor Scruggs wanted them all at once first, and then individually, so she could “write them down,” even though this whole thing was being mercilessly recorded. This battle of wills ensued for several pages. Also, the questions were never answered.

Part of the reason the questions were never answered was because Mayor Scruggs expressed her inability to answer the questions because it would violate the council-manager city charter. City Manager Ed Beasley, who was all over print and radio when council approved the deal originally and who could have easily relieved Mayor Scruggs of the heavy burden of public evasiveness, was not at this meeting because … I don’t know. Why would he be? He’s only the City Manager. Besides, in his stead: cupcakes.

Neither side thought an independent arbitrator would be necessary for this meeting. The result was an embarrassingly immature display of political posturing and ego wrangling in which people interrupted each other and challenged the most basic topics of discussion for no apparent reason. Take this exchange:

MS. OLSEN: Yesterday, (City Attorney) Craig Tindall told our attorneys that negotiations with Matt are ongoing and no contract has been finalized, but in an email –

MR. TINDALL: That’s not what I said. (Blah, blah, blah …) I said that the possibility is that we may need to negotiate in the future …

Good. Great. Glad we cleared that up. Can we proceed? No? You didn’t say what you just said? Okay, please continue. I am going to sit here and jam this pen into my thigh. This type of back-and-forth went on for 113 pages, by the way.

The Goldwater Institute has valid questions but questionable motives. The City of Glendale wants to keep its team but is being blatantly evasive. This meeting could have resolved, at least somewhat, this chasm. Instead it widened it.

A few people have asked me which side I rest on in the case of the Coyotes. I am on the side of a calm, reasonable solution by mature elected officials and professional human beings that has the city and team’s best interest at heart as opposed to its own political, corporate or personal worth. When that side emerges, I will let you know.

At one point during this epic fourth-grade debate team session, Tindall accused a Goldwater rep of “eye-rolling” as a result of something Mayor Scruggs had said. Ummm, Mr. Tindall, Goldwater Institute (tapping them on the collective shoulder)? It was me. It was us. At all of this.

The King, tacos vie for our fleeting attention

Note: This column appears in the 2/3 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/4 issue of the Peoria Times

My favorite gimmicks occur at sporting events. For whatever reason, many venues and corporations believe that people who attend sporting events need a distraction from a distraction, and do not have the attention span to watch the actual game. They called a timeout? What am I going to do for the next two minutes of my life? Enter the t-shirt canon.

Case in point was our trip to the Coyotes game last weekend. Here is a franchise that endured several years of turmoil and the threat of relocation, and not only survived, but thrived, thanks in large part to the type of loyal fan base for which the sport of hockey is renowned. And hey—you know what would make that fan base’s game experience that much better? Elvis.

As we entered Jobing.com Arena and made our way to our seats, we found ourselves behind an Elvis impersonator along with the emcee for that evening’s crowd-pleasing gimmicks. As we waited for a break in play, I overheard—and by overheard I mean eavesdropped on—a portion of their conversation. The emcee explained to Elvis how the next bit would proceed, and he finished by telling the King, “And then yeah, after that, just do … ya’ know … whatever it is you do.”

I myself was curious as to what Elvis was going to do. The answer, as it turned out, was “not much.” Better yet, it was never once explained why Elvis was there in the first place. What was the connection between Elvis and the Phoenix Coyotes? I guess … who cares? It’s Elvis!

There he was, during every live bit, just standing there to the side. He did the air guitar once. As far as we deduced, he said literally one letter during the whole game. It happened during a fan trivia segment. The fan answered “C” to a multiple-choice Coyotes question, and the emcee then turned to Elvis and asked, “What does Elvis think?” Elvis leaned into the microphone for his one shining moment and said, “C.”

You would think he would have taken that chance to say something like, “I think it’s uh, ‘C.’ Thank you, a thank you very much.” He didn’t even use an Elvis voice to give his one-letter answer, instead opting for, as we later described it, his day-job voice. The whole thing was surreal. Surreally awesome.

We weren’t yet finished laughing about Elvis when they released the giant flying Taco Bell taco over the crowd, which, you may recall, drops down chalupa coupons and not tickets to future games, as I had once falsely assumed. My mom had her camera, which she had only used once during her week-long stay in AZ to take a picture of the moon. Obviously, she took a picture of the flying taco. Then she decided, “What the heck—let me get a picture with my son, too.” She handed her camera to my wife, who noticed that the flying taco had moved closer, and wanted to snap a better picture to save my mom the embarrassment of showing off to friends a distant picture of a flying taco. She snapped the pic, but the flash reflected off the glass boards and ruined it. Right then, the camera’s battery died. My mom returned home after a week in Arizona with a picture of the moon, and two pictures of a giant, flying taco, one of them indistinguishable.

We were foiled and distracted by two gimmicks, but we laughed the entire night. The game was good, too, it seemed.


When in doubt, "C." Now how about some hockey?

A farmer’s market without the farmers, or market

Note: This column appears in the 9/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/24 issue of the Peoria Times

We are vegetarians, my wife and I, and so when we go hunting we typically hunt for farmer’s markets.

This was our intention two Saturdays ago, our hunt very defined in that Westgate was having a farmer’s market that day. Having found out about this event weeks earlier, our anticipation had increased our excitement, as did the fact that it was a beautiful Saturday morning, the chance to finally venture outside of the house -– to get fresh vegetables, no less! -– signifying the beginning of the end of another endless summer.

It didn’t even matter that Westgate is approximately 40 minutes from our house. Not that helping the environment and local farmers is our sole reason for attending farmer’s markets –- we actually enjoy eating the vegetables of our labor, too –- but the irony of burning lots of gas in order to purchase organic fruits and veggies was not lost on us. But hey, whatever.

Adding to our enjoyment was the opportunity to get our one-year old out of the house and out and about. At the moment of departure, she didn’t seem to be sharing in this enjoyment, but we knew that when we finally got there, she would be enamored by all of the beautiful colors of various peppers and, ummm, melons (?) and the general hustle and bustle of an open market.

When we arrived at Westgate we noticed no signs directing us to the farmer’s market, but this was of no concern, as we had attended one there last year, which also occurred with little fanfare. Besides, we knew we had the date and times correct because I had personally uploaded the details of this event to our own publication’s website, at Westgate’s request, and my wife had even checked their website for confirmation.

Well, there was no farmer’s market. Nor were there any signs or people with any kind of information as to why. For about 20 minutes we walked around with our little one in her stroller, trying to find vegetables, as the pleasant weather turned hotter and less pleasant. We ran into a couple that was similarly confused as to the market’s whereabouts. Having failed to find fresh veggies, they decided to do the next best thing – go to the movies. Had this been Westgate’s plan all along -– to lure people there with the promise of vegetables, only to have them settle into retail purchases and viewings of Piranha 3D? I looked at our daughter and was reminded of a time when going to the movies would have been a feasible alternative for us. Sigh.


Reenactment of our expectations

We didn’t give up though. We had heard that Park West has farmer’s markets too, so we drove there, only to discover that we were one week early. My wife thought she knew of another one somewhere else, but that also turned up empty. In the back seat, our increasingly hungry daughter was giving us an earful. Defeated, we made our way home, vegetable-less, with a ¼ tank of gas burned in the process.

So a big, sarcastic “thank you” to Westgate, for wasting our Saturday with no explanation. I never thought the farmers would leave before the Coyotes.

And yeah –- that’s the kind of zinger you get. I’m not a nice person when I haven’t had my squash.

Coyotes, casinos, and planes, who cares?

Note: This column appears in the 9/24 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/25 issue of the Peoria Times

It has been a difficult time for those who prefer answers.

Virtually every major attraction and potential attraction of this part of the Valley has been dragged through the legal mud and has yet to be adequately cleansed. As a result, those in and around the Valley who initially took a side now no longer care, or have joined the third party of “getting this over with.”

We can start with the Phoenix Coyotes, an ordeal that began in early May and has left the city of Glendale, its citizens, Coyotes’ fans, players, millionaire coaches and billionaire Canadians in limbo. And while judge Redfield T Baum issued his decision last week, it should be noted that even he has acknowledged that this is far from over, having said this before beginning the excruciating process of writing down his answer: “I have to write it sufficiently enough so that those of you who don’t like what I write, when you take it to the appellate court, the appellate court will understand all that’s happened.”

Awesome. Nothing more fun than the inevitable appeals process. Also, I am going to go out on a limb and say that the appellate court will not understand what’s happened. Unless of course, they can explain how a hockey team from nowhere has began its preseason.

Then there’s the casino. In one corner is the city of Glendale, who has not decided whether they self-righteously oppose the idea of gambling, or if they’re opposed to their inability to make money off of it. In the other corner is the Tohono O’odham Nation, who claims the right to build on the land near 91st and Northern Ave. Our referee for the match is the U.S. Judicial system, which –- almost eight months after the initial plans for the casino were released –- has made its decision.

I am kidding, of course. That would be silly, an answer. In the meantime, Valley citizens have been forced to waste their hard-earned money elsewhere, but unfortunately, not on the Phoenix Coyotes.

While the federal government has played a large role in this mess, even they haven’t been immune to the indecisiveness they so greatly enjoy and employ. Currently there is a movement to build single-family homes -– what family doesn’t love the deafening sound of F-16s in the morning? -- around Luke Air Base. Those opposed to the development believe it could motivate the base to move elsewhere. Those in favor of the development either view the base as a non-crucial element to the city’s infrastructure, or are the developers themselves. The interesting part of this situation is that a decision has already been handed down. But each side interprets the ruling differently.

There needs to be a decision about the decision.

No matter which side you stand on with regards to any of these issues, you can only maintain your righteous indignation for so long. A slammed fist will eventually turn into a shrug of the shoulders. When the fate of your hometown team or hometown itself is at stake, that’s a scary thought.

Burden to keep the Coyotes in town falls on you, me*

Note: This column appears in the 7/2 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/3 issue of the Peoria Times

As the Phoenix Coyotes mess moves steadily along, I am reminded of a paradox that has always fascinated me.

Last week U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Redfield T. Baum (that is a name just begging for a daytime judge show) expressed that fans of the Phoenix Coyotes, if they want to keep their team here in Glendale, need to show their support with “their pocketbook and presence.”

Though I doubt the majority of hockey fans carry pocketbooks, this warning seems to place the blame for the Coyotes’ woes and the pressure to retain them squarely on the fans themselves.

And part of me agrees with this. As a little kid growing up in New Jersey, I was (and still am) a Yankees fan. (Sorry.) It may be difficult to remember now, but my formative years of baseball fandom involved rooting unconditionally for a team that was just not very good. Most of the games I watched on TV featured an array of available seats, and on those fantastic occasions that my Dad was able to take me to The Stadium in person, I knew that the tickets weren’t that hard to come by.

Four championships, infinite sellouts, and a new stadium later, I’m still left wondering where everybody came from.

There are people here in the Valley who scoff at the idea that the burden is on them to keep this hockey team around. They will come out and spend their hard-earned money when the franchise puts a quality product out on the ice. And these people, like out-of-the-woodwork Yankees’ fans, have a point, too.

The Coyotes have not had a winning season since the 2001-02 campaign. A decent ticket is about thirty bucks. One trip to the concession stand can cost more than that. Throw in a recession and the team’s almost imminent departure and it’s justifiable to seek something better or to ignore it altogether.

Or is it? Is it not enough to root for the hometown team because they’re the hometown team, or should we demand success as well?

Though I haven’t settled on this issue, I am getting closer to knowing where I stand, and a big part of that involves being a sports fan in general. For me, the joy of your team’s success cannot be fully experienced if you did not endure the hardships as well. The Coyotes have not been around here long enough for fans to feel so jaded by front office missteps and player shortcomings. This team is not yet the Clippers. I imagine that, should this hockey team experience some kind of Disney-movie-like turnaround –- propelled by the sudden burst of support -– any true fan would be proud to say that they had been there from the beginning.

Wherever you stand on this issue, in the case of the Phoenix Coyotes one simple reality remains, and it proves that Judge Redfield T. Baum –- or J-Red, as I like to call him -- is a wise man.

If we do not support the Phoenix Coyotes because, and –- judging from their 2009-10 forecast -- only because they are the hometown team, there can only be one result: no hometown team.

So fellas, grab your purses.


* mostly you. I’m not a big hockey fan.

Nothing but questions remain in wake of Coyotes’ fiasco

Note: This column appears in the 5/14 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/15 issue of the Peoria Times

I have been trying to figure out this whole Coyotes mess for the past week or so. And, at the risk of disappointing you, the loyal reader…I have not figured it out.

This is probably because I have always had difficulty comprehending bankruptcy. For the first twenty years of my life, my only familiarity with bankruptcy came from Wheel of Fortune, so I imagined that, in real life, when someone went bankrupt, it was followed by an unfortunate trumpet noise –- wa, wa, waaaaooonnnk –- and that person lost everything and started over.

So to discover that the owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, Jerry Moyes, had filed for bankruptcy, yet was attempting to sell the franchise so that he could walk away virtually unscathed, I was confused.

The red tape involved is too much for me, especially considering the NHL was one of Moyes’ creditors, and it is in the league’s best interest to keep the team here in Glendale. There’s just too much stuff going on here that I am not well-versed in -– one of those “things” being hockey itself -– to forge an opinion. However, as someone who greatly enjoyed attending Coyotes’ games, and as a Peoria resident and someone who works in Glendale, and as someone who is trying to figure out where the city, and Westgate, and professional sports in the Valley go from here, I wanted to retrace some Coyote footprints, so to speak.

And something did stick out to me while reading up on the situation. If the team is indeed sold to a prospective buyer who plans to move the team to Canada, head coach Wayne Gretzky will make $22.5 million. This is the sum of what the Coyotes still owe him to coach their hockey team, so he will get this money either way. From a bankrupt franchise. Even though he is a minority owner of said bankrupt franchise.

Something else interesting in local sports happened last week. Bob Melvin was fired as manager of the Diamondbacks. Melvin –- who was Manager of the Year in 2007 for leading the D-Backs to the NLCS –- was let go for overseeing a team of guys that, for the past season and a quarter, could not hit a baseball. Whether the D-Backs’ woes should have been contributed to Melvin remains up for debate. The point is: they were.

Contrast that with Gretzky. During his four-year tenure as coach of the Coyotes, Gretzky has a losing record and has never made the playoffs. The biggest national news he made was when he became embroiled in a gambling controversy with then assistant Coyotes’ coach Rick Tocchet. The allure of fans coming out to watch The Great One stand behind his players for a couple of hours either wore off, or was never there, as evidenced by the Coyotes having the worst ticket sales in the NHL for the past two seasons.

A Manager of the Year gets ousted, but The Great One –- with his reputation as a player transcending all else, including logic -- still stands behind his crumbling team.

Hmmm.

From here, it looks like Wayne Gretzky is going down with this ship, partly because he lowered the anchor into the middle of it, and partly because the ship owes him $22.5 million.

So I have to ask: Who made him captain anyway?

It doesn’t really matter now. Everybody involved seems to be walking away with millions. Except, that is, Coyotes’ fans, who may just walk away teamless. Sorry ‘Yotes fans –- guess you don’t know how to play the wheel of fortune.

Coyotes in the red, but fans shouldn’t be feeling blue

Note: This column appears in the 6/19 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 6/20 issue of the Peoria Times

Note Part II: The title of this post is purposely awful

Many of my loyal readers -- cough*MomandDad*cough -- may recall that I, rather officially, declared myself a Phoenix Coyotes fan about a week before the end of their season this past April. This appears to be excellent timing on my part, with the news last week that the Coyotes as a franchise lost $30 million during the 2006-07 season, and remain dead last in the NHL in ticket sales.

It would seem that this perfect combination of ice hockey and the desert is now threatened. I mean, $30 million is a lot of money. You could fill up your car for almost an entire year with that kind of cash flow. (Notice how I interspersed a topical and relevant cultural fuel crisis into a column about hockey…hope you’re taking notes, kids!)) And being last in ticket sales within a league that has -- maybe up until this past season -- managed to slip out of the national consciousness is also not good news.

So the Coyotes are dead. Stick a fork in ‘em. Tear down the arena. Let’s start over. What’s cool these days? Mixed Martial Arts? Let’s do that instead. Roller derby? Whatever. Let’s just do it already.

But hold on, me! Are the Coyotes really finished as a franchise in Glendale? Let’s look into this a little bit further.

For starters, okay, the Coyotes lost $30 million. In 2006-07. Hey, thanks for the breaking news. But, ummm, is this really relevant right now? To quote the movie “Friday” (also topical and relevant, released in 1995), “Why you bringin’ up old [stuff]?” Seriously. Did you know that the New York Yankees lost $4 million in 1984? (I made that up, but still…could be true.) It ruined them as a franchise. Also, it’s 2008. If you look past the news that the Coyotes lost some money two years ago, you would see that they witnessed a 20 percent increase in finances this past season. And I actually did look that up, and it is true.


You got to be a stupid franchise to get fired in the offseason

Besides, contrary to what I had stated earlier, $30 million isn’t a lot of money. Maybe for you and me, it is. But not in sports. Shaquille O’Neal made $30 million, like, yesterday.

Oh, but the Coyotes are last in the NHL in ticket sales…so what? Who cares about tickets? That’s merely one aspect of a franchise’s financial stability, and the Coyotes saw increases in advertising and corporate revenue this past season, and I’m sure they saw it at the concession stands, too. Look, I’m going to be very honest with you right now -- the last Coyotes game I went to, I did not buy tickets for. I can’t say why, because it’s incriminating. Still though, I bought 17 beers while I was there. And a taco. And a shirt with a Coyote on it that I spilled taco sauce on. And my wife didn’t talk to me for a week afterwards. You don’t see those kinds of things in stupid “financial reports.”

Finally, the Phoenix Coyotes aren’t going anywhere because they’re only five years into the 30-year lease they signed at Jobing.com Arena, and the penalties for breaking the lease vastly outweigh what the franchise is actually worth. So, if nothing else, we’ll have professional hockey for the near future because the city is holding the Coyotes hostage. Hooray!

Of course, it would help matters if the Coyotes started winning, and if the franchise didn’t respond to this most recent news by increasing season ticket prices by 50%. (You should have done the opposite, idiots.) Nevertheless, count me among the many who can’t wait to go to a ‘Yotes game during the 2008-09 season, which starts, I think, in a matter of hours.

I may even buy a ticket. If I can afford it. Stupid gas prices. (See how I brought it back around? Aaaaaand we’re done.)


...but were third in cup-holder sales

Despite impending conclusion, Coyotes’ season a success

Note: This column appears in the 3/27 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/28 issue of the Peoria Times

The Phoenix Coyotes are currently, as of this Monday, 12th in the Western Conference standings. They are six points away from that 8th spot and the playoff berth that comes with it, but also six points away from finishing in second-to-last place. They only have five games left in the season. Barring some unforeseen circumstance in which Isiah Thomas takes over the top 11 teams in the Western Conference for the last week of the season, the Coyotes are not making the playoffs.

Based on the above information, the Coyotes have pretty much played to expectations this season. But leaving it at that would dismiss a few very important things. For example, at one point during the season -- January, to be specific -- Phoenix was arguably the hottest team in the NHL, when, in that span, they won 11 games and dropped only three. If they could have simply played at that pace for the entire season, they would have been like, the best hockey team ever. So the Coyotes were only six months of good hockey away from being the greatest team ever, so there’s that. Furthermore, last week captain Shane Doan notched his 70th point of the season, a career best for him, and a momentous occasion for the franchise. But most important of all, the Phoenix Coyotes may have -- I’m not sure yet, I haven’t officially decided -- made me, like, a fan.

Now, as the four of you who read this column are already aware of, I know very little about hockey. In most cases, this would make me largely unqualified to write about hockey. However, I know very little about a lot of stuff, and I still like to write about stuff, so there. The point is that, the Coyotes have made me want to learn.

I have been to about five games this season -- which is, by the way, five more than the amount of Yankee games I have been to since I moved here -- so I am pretty much an expert on the ‘Yotes at this point. (Real fans call them the ‘Yotes…I think.) Also, I am kidding. But during every game, I find myself pulling strongly for the ‘Yotes, and for the few days or so after each of those games, I’ll find myself watching them play on TV. (One reason I haven’t fully committed to them yet is that I react the same way every four years during the World Cup, when I vow to become a serious soccer fan, only to forget about it a week later.) But they are seeping into my subconscious. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and randomly yell, “Go ‘Yotes!” Not sure what that means.


Non-Coyotes fan: Wtf?
Real 'Yotes fan: I'll take five of those please!

Ironically, because I have never been a hockey fan, the Coyotes have the ability to woo me. And they sort of have. Take last Thursday for example. I went to the game with my wife and in-laws, and the ‘Yotes scored with about 10 seconds left in regulation to tie the game at five and force overtime against the Kings. It was a really good game, and even though they eventually lost the shootout, the Coyotes scored at least four goals, so everybody in the arena got a free Taco Bell chalupa. I also caught a shirt from the t-shirt spewing bazooka gun, and booed the refs after the ‘Yotes received a five-minute penalty. I mean, if that’s not being a hockey fan, then I don’t know what is.

Of course, all of these feelings of impending fandom could directly relate to the fact that the Phoenix Coyotes were recently awarded the Best Member Club Marketing Campaign for this season by the NHL. That would explain the night sweats. And the chalupas. I also picked a great time to come to this realization that I might be a Coyotes fan, now that the season is pretty much over. Oh well. There’s always next season. That’s what us ‘Yotes fans like to say.


What do you mean you don't have a veggie-chalupa?!