Holiday movies teach us important lessons

Note: This column appears in the 12/11 issue of The Glendale Star and the 12/12 issue of the Peoria Times

The theme of almost every holiday movie is finding the true meaning of Christmas. Except, of course, for the movie “Jack Frost,” in which the theme is: if your absentee father dies, be alert, because there is a good chance he will come back to life in the form of a snowman, and finally teach you how to play hockey. This is another important holiday lesson.

Anyway, the true meaning of Christmas in these movies usually proves to be quite elusive at first, but is ultimately found in some form of non-materialistic love. That is why, I am sure, so many people like myself are suckers for holiday flicks -- because they make you feel good, and reaffirm what you already know to be true.

But let me ask you this: Have you ever tried, in real life, to execute a non-materialistic Christmas? Contrary to what the movies would imply (gasp!), it is quite difficult.

A few years ago, on the heels of Hurricane Katrina, my wife and I decided that we really didn’t need presents that year. So in lieu of gifts we asked some of our family to simply donate to a particular school in New Orleans. A part of us imagined that everybody would follow suit when it came to their own gifts, and we would all have one, big, giftless Christmas. But it didn’t necessarily go down like that, and two days later we were in Victoria’s Secret searching for those pajama pants that say “Pink” on the butt. It was almost as if our family learned nothing from the movie “Jack Frost.”

And what example is Santa Claus setting in all of this? I have yet to see him denounce the materialism of the holidays by replacing Xboxes with $100 United Way donations. (Plus he was a total insensitive jerk in “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”) That’s why I often prefer to take it upon myself to force my agenda on others by making donations on their behalf without their consent. Take that, loved ones!


Rudolph, you idiot -- your hoof is on my toe! Your father should be ashamed...

Only a holiday movie can help us. I choose “Once Upon a Christmas,” in which former swimsuit model Kathy Ireland plays Santa Claus’s daughter and she has to save Christmas because her parents – Mr. & Mrs. Claus -- went on vacation to Hawaii (again, nice example, Santa.) Not that there is a lesson to be learned from that movie -- it is horrible – but if you buy it on DVD for someone they probably won’t want a gift from you next year. And that’s a start.

But, believe it or not, I have learned something over the years. While an all-out non-materialistic holiday would be quite a thing to experience, it’s not a reality, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. For one, it could actually deprive others of the joy they derive from giving. For them, the look on your face after opening a thoughtful gift they couldn’t wait to give you is often the gift itself. And let’s face it -- gift-giving is part of our holiday culture, and the ultimate reason behind that is a good one. Finding the balance between helping those who really need it and giving to those you love may be the true, true meaning of Christmas.

That, or, spirit-inhabited snowmen. Either one.


You're right Snowdad -- this isn't weird at all!

Coyotes in the red, but fans shouldn’t be feeling blue

Note: This column appears in the 6/19 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 6/20 issue of the Peoria Times

Note Part II: The title of this post is purposely awful

Many of my loyal readers -- cough*MomandDad*cough -- may recall that I, rather officially, declared myself a Phoenix Coyotes fan about a week before the end of their season this past April. This appears to be excellent timing on my part, with the news last week that the Coyotes as a franchise lost $30 million during the 2006-07 season, and remain dead last in the NHL in ticket sales.

It would seem that this perfect combination of ice hockey and the desert is now threatened. I mean, $30 million is a lot of money. You could fill up your car for almost an entire year with that kind of cash flow. (Notice how I interspersed a topical and relevant cultural fuel crisis into a column about hockey…hope you’re taking notes, kids!)) And being last in ticket sales within a league that has -- maybe up until this past season -- managed to slip out of the national consciousness is also not good news.

So the Coyotes are dead. Stick a fork in ‘em. Tear down the arena. Let’s start over. What’s cool these days? Mixed Martial Arts? Let’s do that instead. Roller derby? Whatever. Let’s just do it already.

But hold on, me! Are the Coyotes really finished as a franchise in Glendale? Let’s look into this a little bit further.

For starters, okay, the Coyotes lost $30 million. In 2006-07. Hey, thanks for the breaking news. But, ummm, is this really relevant right now? To quote the movie “Friday” (also topical and relevant, released in 1995), “Why you bringin’ up old [stuff]?” Seriously. Did you know that the New York Yankees lost $4 million in 1984? (I made that up, but still…could be true.) It ruined them as a franchise. Also, it’s 2008. If you look past the news that the Coyotes lost some money two years ago, you would see that they witnessed a 20 percent increase in finances this past season. And I actually did look that up, and it is true.


You got to be a stupid franchise to get fired in the offseason

Besides, contrary to what I had stated earlier, $30 million isn’t a lot of money. Maybe for you and me, it is. But not in sports. Shaquille O’Neal made $30 million, like, yesterday.

Oh, but the Coyotes are last in the NHL in ticket sales…so what? Who cares about tickets? That’s merely one aspect of a franchise’s financial stability, and the Coyotes saw increases in advertising and corporate revenue this past season, and I’m sure they saw it at the concession stands, too. Look, I’m going to be very honest with you right now -- the last Coyotes game I went to, I did not buy tickets for. I can’t say why, because it’s incriminating. Still though, I bought 17 beers while I was there. And a taco. And a shirt with a Coyote on it that I spilled taco sauce on. And my wife didn’t talk to me for a week afterwards. You don’t see those kinds of things in stupid “financial reports.”

Finally, the Phoenix Coyotes aren’t going anywhere because they’re only five years into the 30-year lease they signed at Jobing.com Arena, and the penalties for breaking the lease vastly outweigh what the franchise is actually worth. So, if nothing else, we’ll have professional hockey for the near future because the city is holding the Coyotes hostage. Hooray!

Of course, it would help matters if the Coyotes started winning, and if the franchise didn’t respond to this most recent news by increasing season ticket prices by 50%. (You should have done the opposite, idiots.) Nevertheless, count me among the many who can’t wait to go to a ‘Yotes game during the 2008-09 season, which starts, I think, in a matter of hours.

I may even buy a ticket. If I can afford it. Stupid gas prices. (See how I brought it back around? Aaaaaand we’re done.)


...but were third in cup-holder sales

Despite impending conclusion, Coyotes’ season a success

Note: This column appears in the 3/27 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/28 issue of the Peoria Times

The Phoenix Coyotes are currently, as of this Monday, 12th in the Western Conference standings. They are six points away from that 8th spot and the playoff berth that comes with it, but also six points away from finishing in second-to-last place. They only have five games left in the season. Barring some unforeseen circumstance in which Isiah Thomas takes over the top 11 teams in the Western Conference for the last week of the season, the Coyotes are not making the playoffs.

Based on the above information, the Coyotes have pretty much played to expectations this season. But leaving it at that would dismiss a few very important things. For example, at one point during the season -- January, to be specific -- Phoenix was arguably the hottest team in the NHL, when, in that span, they won 11 games and dropped only three. If they could have simply played at that pace for the entire season, they would have been like, the best hockey team ever. So the Coyotes were only six months of good hockey away from being the greatest team ever, so there’s that. Furthermore, last week captain Shane Doan notched his 70th point of the season, a career best for him, and a momentous occasion for the franchise. But most important of all, the Phoenix Coyotes may have -- I’m not sure yet, I haven’t officially decided -- made me, like, a fan.

Now, as the four of you who read this column are already aware of, I know very little about hockey. In most cases, this would make me largely unqualified to write about hockey. However, I know very little about a lot of stuff, and I still like to write about stuff, so there. The point is that, the Coyotes have made me want to learn.

I have been to about five games this season -- which is, by the way, five more than the amount of Yankee games I have been to since I moved here -- so I am pretty much an expert on the ‘Yotes at this point. (Real fans call them the ‘Yotes…I think.) Also, I am kidding. But during every game, I find myself pulling strongly for the ‘Yotes, and for the few days or so after each of those games, I’ll find myself watching them play on TV. (One reason I haven’t fully committed to them yet is that I react the same way every four years during the World Cup, when I vow to become a serious soccer fan, only to forget about it a week later.) But they are seeping into my subconscious. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and randomly yell, “Go ‘Yotes!” Not sure what that means.


Non-Coyotes fan: Wtf?
Real 'Yotes fan: I'll take five of those please!

Ironically, because I have never been a hockey fan, the Coyotes have the ability to woo me. And they sort of have. Take last Thursday for example. I went to the game with my wife and in-laws, and the ‘Yotes scored with about 10 seconds left in regulation to tie the game at five and force overtime against the Kings. It was a really good game, and even though they eventually lost the shootout, the Coyotes scored at least four goals, so everybody in the arena got a free Taco Bell chalupa. I also caught a shirt from the t-shirt spewing bazooka gun, and booed the refs after the ‘Yotes received a five-minute penalty. I mean, if that’s not being a hockey fan, then I don’t know what is.

Of course, all of these feelings of impending fandom could directly relate to the fact that the Phoenix Coyotes were recently awarded the Best Member Club Marketing Campaign for this season by the NHL. That would explain the night sweats. And the chalupas. I also picked a great time to come to this realization that I might be a Coyotes fan, now that the season is pretty much over. Oh well. There’s always next season. That’s what us ‘Yotes fans like to say.


What do you mean you don't have a veggie-chalupa?!

Say Coyotes, ‘If you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em…senseless’

Note: This column appears in the 11/21 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/23 issue of the Peoria Times

On November 10th, in what would eventually become a 2-1 Sharks’ victory over Phoenix, former Coyote Jeremy Roenick became the third American-born player to reach 500 goals.

On November 12, the Sharks’ Joe Thornton and Devin Setoguchi each scored twice as San Jose shutout the Coyotes 5-0.

Excited at the prospect of watching the Coyotes potentially turn the tables on this one-sided “rivalry,” I went to this past Thursday’s game, which was Phoenix’s third straight against San Jose. And, at the risk of ruining a week-old surprise, the Sharks won 6-0.

For those scoring at home, last week -- a week that started, mind you, with Phoenix on a very modest two-game winning streak -- resulted in a 13-1 loss, mixed in with some milestones for the opposition, a 2-7 home record, and a last place showing in the Western Conference.

Yikes.

Admittedly, I am no hockey connoisseur. But this was the third time this season I have watched the Coyotes play live, and to me at least, it doesn’t appear that they have much of a game plan. I get the impression that if I could actually skate, and handle a puck, even I could fit into the Coyotes’ offensive scheme, which seems to be, “Skate around, see what happens, whatever.” So that may need a little work. The good news? The Coyotes are far from unwatchable, because they’re kicking the crap of people.

Not metaphorically, of course. Literally. One thing that this young, impressionable Coyotes’ team does not lack, as far as I’m concerned, is aggression. During last Thursday’s game, Coyotes’ defenseman Nick Boynton sat out due to a suspension he had earned from instigating a fight during the last five minutes of the previous game’s loss to San Jose. That game was marked with physical play, mostly on the Coyotes end, including a Shane Doan hit that sent Milan Michalek to the locker room, a scuffle involving Derek Morris, and a chop on the Sharks’ Joe Pavelski.

Hey, nice!

As far as last Thursday’s game was concerned, the crowd came to its feet three times during the game, which is approximately three more times than a crowd should come to its feet during a 6-0 loss. They were 1) after a vicious hit by Keith Ballard that sent Setoguchi over the boards and into the Coyotes’ bench, 2) after an altercation involving Ed Jovanovski and Daniel Carcillo beating up on some Sharks, which resulted in a four-minute roughing penalty for Carcillo, and 3) when goaltender Alex Auld, who had given up three goals, was replaced in favor of Mikael Tellqvist (who subsequently gave up three more goals).

Many crowds would have come their feet a fourth time, to leave, after the score reached 4-0. But Coyotes’ fans stayed, booed a little bit at the lack of any offensive cohesion, but ultimately waited for that next big hit.


Stop SCORING on us!

And ya’ know what? I’ll take it. Maybe Phoenix is not going to win the Stanley Cup this year, but at least they’ll hurt somebody who might. And isn’t that what hockey is all about?

(No, really. Is it? I don’t know much about hockey.)

Anyway, near the end of one of the two Coyotes’ home victories this season, a 5-2 win over the Stars on Nov 7th, Shane Doan knocked a Stars’ player to the ice in retaliation for a check the guy had just issued to one of Doan’s teammates. Not only did it bring us all to our feet in enjoyment, but it was also a sign of what the Phoenix Coyotes could be in time, which is to say, very physical and also, ya’ know, good at hockey.

In the meantime, the Coyotes will continue to remind me of the bumper sticker that reads, “My kid just beat up your honor student.” And I for one urge the Coyotes to keep the hits, if not the wins, coming.


What were you DOING out there?! It looked like you had a PLAN!

Coyotes, you had me at "giant flying taco"

Note: This column appears in the 10/25 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/26 issue of the Peoria Times

I’m not going to lie -- I am not a big hockey fan. In fact, at the Coyotes game this past Saturday night, I went to get a beer with my friend Rashad at one point during the first period. When we tried to go back to our seats, there was a cluster of people waiting to do the same. Of course, I tried to push my way through the crowd with a bunch of “excuse mes” while Rashad waited behind me, pretending like he didn’t know me. Yep, I didn’t realize you had to wait for the whistle to go back to your seat. You know you’re not a hockey fan when one of the three black guys in the arena is telling you how to act.

So yeah, I don’t know much about hockey. But ya’ know what? If I’m going to have the type of time I had this past Saturday night, then there may be hope for me yet.

At the risk of having this come across as some type of corny, “Hey Glendale -- if you haven’t been to Jobing.com Arena, then what the heck are you waiting for?” column, I nevertheless have to say how impressed I was. One thing you have to remember here is that I’m from the East Coast. The only hockey games I’ve ever been to have been Rangers games at Madison Square Garden, where I paid $55 to sit, literally, in the very last row of that cavernous arena, and could only tell that something happened by the crowd’s reaction, because my chances of seeing the puck were as good as my chances of not sitting next to a drunk raving lunatic on the train ride home. (By the way, that would also account for my ignorance when it comes to waiting for the whistle -- there were never any ushers where I was used to sitting, because I never had to worry about blocking the ceiling’s view of the game.)

I honestly had no idea that Jobing.com Arena was more than just a hockey stadium. I didn’t realize it was contained within the Westgate City Center, which features a slew of restaurants, a fountain ( I love fountains!), a concert stage, and a bunch of happy people walking around everywhere. It was just like Madison Square Garden! Except the exact opposite. (However, another thing you wouldn’t see at MSG would be a surplus of people walking around wearing Red Wings jerseys with nary a concern about getting punched in the face. But we’ll get to that later.)

The arena itself was fantastic, and I really don’t think it features a bad seat. (My only complaint? Cup holders on the arm rest instead on the back of the seat in front of you. Weird, but I’ll let it slide.) So needless to say, we had a great time. I especially enjoyed the giant remote-controlled flying taco that drops tickets down to the crowd after the first period. (I love giant flying tacos!)

But most importantly, I was also able to peak inside the psyche of the average Arizona sports fan. I arrived at the game as an indifferent observer, but found myself pulling for the Coyotes amidst the sea of annoying Red Wings fans. I don’t know how the true locals here deal with that -- so many transplants rooting against the home team. That would drive me absolutely crazy. Of course, I’ll be doing the same thing whenever the Yankees play the Diamondbacks, or the Giants face the Cards, but I’m just saying -- I understand your pain.


Hey, that guy grabbed my taco tickets!

Oh, and the Coyotes lost, 5-2. They’re not very good. But keep in mind that’s coming from someone who, during the pre-game introductions, only recognized Chris Chelios because I remember him from NHL ’94 for Sega Genesis. And Wayne Gretzky. I have also heard of him.

Talkin’ hockey with…Joe!

Okay, so the Masters is over, and the next golf major isn’t for like, another seven months. The baseball season is too young to get into right now, and who really cares about the NBA, am I right? Obviously, this gives me a chance to talk about yet another sport that I know nothing about. On the heels of my first-ever NASCAR column from a couple of months ago, I’d like to introduce you to my first-ever hockey column! No, seriously!

Of course, since there’s an excellent chance that I actually know less about hockey than I do about cars, we had to bring in a recruit. So please put your hands together for the biggest only hockey fan I know, Joe, my brother-in-law. Joe is a die-hard Rangers fan, and he hates the Devils and Islanders as much as I hate the Red Sox, which is nice. And, like any true fan, Joe oftentimes hates the Rangers as much as I hate the Yankees. But not this year, because the Rangers are headed to the NHL Playoffs, which are just getting underway. Also, let it be known that, as opposed to the usual interviews we conduct around here, which are completely fake and worthless, this one is actually real. And worthless. But that’s probably because Joe is not famous. Yet. Let’s get started…

Me: Joe, your welcome for having you. First question: Hockey. Explain.


Introducing...

Joe: Fastest team sport in the world, and people think it’s boring just because the score isn’t 150-120. Plus, did I mention fighting is only a 5-minute penalty and an integral part of the game?

Me: No, you didn’t, because we just started the interview. But that’s a good segway. Hockey has gotten a lot of publicity this year because of violence, and by “a lot of publicity,” I mean very little. Your Rangers have been on both ends of the spectrum, with one dude taking a stick to the face, and another knocking out a Flyer’s goon cold with one punch. Do you think there’s too much violence in hockey, or are people like me ignorant pansies for even posing such a question?

Joe: Pretty much the latter is true. Like I said, hitting and fighting are parts of the game and a good way to build momentum or protect your star players. I mean, in baseball you throw at a guy’s head and he can’t do anything about it. Solution: bench-clearing brawl. In hockey, you hit our star too much we get one guy to go up to him and have a little conversation. Solution: two guys go head-to-head then get minutes to cool off.

Me: If Ron Artest played hockey, do you think he’d be able to climb that hard plastic shield and make it into the stands to do a little damage?

Joe: Hey, it’s been done before, but he’d be especially dangerous because skates are sharp. Just ask Clint Malarchuk.

Me: Believe me – I will. Can that guy even talk yet? Whatever. Have you, personally, ever poured beer on an opposing player who was sitting in the penalty box, and, if so, when did you get out of the hospital?

Joe: I can’t afford those seats.

Me: I always hear “penalty minutes” listed among players’ stats, as if they’re a good thing or something. What’s up with that shizz?

Joe: They’re not really such a good thing, but they’re not really frowned upon either. Now that you mention it, I’m not really sure, except I know they are good for my fantasy team.

Me: So, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty here. Honestly – why don’t sumo wrestlers play goalie?

Joe: Ummm, reaction time, Mike. And the equipment is only allowed to be a certain size. Plus, sumo wrestlers are big, but a net is only 6-feet wide, so the logistics don’t work at all.

Me: Stupid logistics. You used to play goalie. I know this because every time we go to your parent’s house for dinner, I get at least one good whiff of your old hockey equipment in the garage, and I want to throw up. How does a goalie sweat so much when he’s just, like, standing there?

Joe: You should try it out, Mike. The equipment weighs 30 pounds, which is enough to make you start sweating even before the game starts. Then tell me when you see Sidney Crosby flying towards you at 15-20 MPH with a slap shot at around 70-80 MPH that you’re not going to sweat a little.

Me: I’m sweating now just thinking about it. Thank God for Certain Dry. Joe, the NHL Playoffs are about to get underway. The hockey regular season is so friggin’ long, yet the postseason is even longer. The playoffs are like, six months long, and almost spill into the next season. How many days off do the Stanley Cup champs get? The following Monday? Is that it?

Joe: Wait, so 162 games is not long and drawn out? The basketball playoffs are the same length. Plus, playoff hockey is far superior to regular season hockey, which is already far superior to any other sport besides the World Cup. I think it’s too short.

Me: I agree. Hockey should be every four years like the World Cup. Let’s talk about the playoffs though. Who’s the team to beat, and why should we listen to you, and not Barry Melrose?

Joe: Don’t knock Barry. He’s the only guy on ESPN who even knows what hockey is. That being said, Buffalo lost a tough semifinal match to eventual champion Carolina last year and came out of the gate fast this season and it carried through the year. In the finals I think they will meet Dallas, who has the experience and is finishing off the season very strong. The Sabres will finally bring a championship to Buffalo just like the Bills never could, beating the Stars in the finals.

Me: The Bills...ha. They're so stupid. The Rangers are playing really well heading into the postseason. Henrik Lundqvist has been virtually unstoppable, and, as I understand it, the Rangers have other players as well. Do you think their showing in the playoffs this year will be better than last year, when they got swept because Jamir Jagr broke his arm trying to check air?

Joe: Their showing will definitely be better because it is not possible to be any worse, unless they somehow manage to duplicate last year’s result against the Islanders.

Me: Your friend Glen is a Devils fan. What would you say to him about his team’s chances in the playoffs if he were sitting right here?

Joe: The Devil’s time is fading. Buffalo! Buffalo!

Me: I should probably take this time to alert all of the readers that are saying, “What is this guy from Jersey doing dismissing the Devils and rooting for the stupid Rangers?” that Joe is originally from Brooklyn. Joe, would you like to take this opportunity to tell the readers to go to hell?

Joe: You have readers?

Me: That was a zinger. Joe, who is your favorite New York Ranger of all time?

Joe: Mike Richter.

Me: If Mike Richter wasn’t such a dude, would you have married him instead of my sister?

Joe: He’s already married.

Me: Joe, not only are you a huge hockey fan, but you also play fantasy hockey. I would imagine that a fantasy hockey league is just a bunch of guys sitting around not watching hockey, because that is about the best darn fantasy I could ever imagine when it comes to hockey.

Joe: Ignorance is bliss, and you seem happy today, Mike.

Me: Well, thanks for stopping by, Joe. You have truly shed some light on the sport of hockey for the millions of three sports fans who read this column, and who were looking for another ice-related sport to get into. We should get together again this week. A new episode of “The Office” is on Thursday – you guys should come over.

Joe: But the playoffs are on this Thursday.

Me: What? What playoffs?

Joe: The hockey playoffs.

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me.


Joe: Halloween, 1991