Classic card of the week

Astros Leaders, 1987 Topps

Leading the 1987 Houston Astros was Yogi Berra and his band of merry, old men, of which Yogi was arguably the merriest, and definitely the oldest. While it would be safe to assume from this baseball card that Yogi Berra was the manager of the 1987 Houston Astros, that would be an unsafe and stupid assumption, because Yogi Berra was not the manager of the 1987 Houston Astros. He was the bench coach.

For further explanation as to how –- and in what specific statistical categories –- a bench coach can lead his team, let us turn over the back of the card:



Noticeably absent from this list of team leaders is Yogi Berra. Allow me to relay my confusion as to why, on the front of the card which is titled “Team Leaders,” there is a dream sequence picture of Yogi Berra among several other dudes who have formed a force field of old, white, nondescript baseball knowledge around him, while on the back of the card, which is titled “Houston Astros 1986 Team Leaders,” there exists a listing of actual Astros leaders that does not include Yogi Berra or any other coaches that made up the 1986 Houston Astros coaching staff. What gives?

Here is what gives. You cannot lead by actions. Sure, Glenn Davis and Kevin Bass led the Astros in most offensive categories, but did they lead the Astros in a general sense? It’s difficult to say, but according to the front of this card, no -– they obviously did not. In order to be a true leader, you need to sit on the bench, and be old, and say nonsensical yet endearing things that motivate people like Glenn Davis to go out there and hit home runs. You need to take your hat off every now and then and laugh, to remind your team that this is just a game. But then you need to put your hat back on to remind them that this is also serious, and should they fail, they can have a seat on the bench right next to you, where they will no longer be able to play baseball, although –- because they are now on the bench -- their chances of leading will increase exponentially.

Another person who apparently did not lead the 1986 Houston Astros was manager Hal Lanier, who led was there when his team won the Divison Title, and who also won Manager of the Year for reasons that remain mysterious. Many believe his lack of leadership skills stemmed from the fact that he preferred to hang over the dugout railing instead of sitting on the bench.

Did you know?
During a 1994 interview, Hal Lanier stated that he is still haunted by a recurring dream in which Yogi Berra – surrounded by men that are his father, but not really – laughs at his lack of leadership skills.

Classic card of the week

Tony Gwynn, 1989 K-Mart / Topps Dream Team

If I had to make a list of baseball cards that I am most proud to own, this one would not be on the list. It looks like it came with two scoops of ice cream and a balloon.

And let me tell you something else about this card that probably does not transfer well over this here Internet. It is glossy. And I mean glossy. There is like, two inches of gloss on this card. It repels all other forms of matter, which immediately slide off of its surface. If this card were carelessly left on a suburban street, and someone rode their bike over it, that person would incur serious bodily injury as a result. Because of the gloss.

Anyway, in 1989, Kmart -- famed orchestrator of the 1992 U.S. Olympic basketball team –- organized a predecessor to that dominating Dream Team. This particular Dream Team included Tony Gwynn, seen here about to demonstrate his dreaminess by batting one handed. The other members of this Dream Team and their schedule of games and the result of those games are irrelevant. All we need to know in this particular instance is that Tony Gwynn was on the Kmart Dream Team. But why?



Well, because apparently, Tony Gwynn was the “N.L. Rookie of the 80’s.” This can only mean one of two things. Either a) Tony Gwynn somehow maintained his rookie status throughout an entire decade, or b) of every rookie that played in the National League throughout the 1980’s, Tony Gwynn was determined -– by the Kmart chain of department stores –- to be the best, and thus earned the prestigious “N.L. Rookie of the 80’s” award which he was able to pick up in front of any local Kmart snack bar, and which bore with it automatic inclusion on the Kmart Dream Team.

Because, as everyone knows, there can only be one N.L. Rookie of the 80’s, the criteria for other members of the Dream Team remains unknown. Until, that is, I am able to uncover more of these special cards, which, unfortunately, seems unlikely, as my family preferred Bradlees.

Did you know?
The rights for organizing the U.S. Olympic Basketball Team were stripped from Kmart and handed over to Target in 2005 when, as a result of an extreme error in judgment, Kmart failed to include Kenyon Martin –- a.k.a. K-Mart –- on its 2004 Dream Team.

Classic card of the week

Orioles Leaders, 1986 Topps

When I go to sleep at night, I dream of Orioles’ leaders. This is strange, considering I’m a Yankees fan. Nevertheless, back in 1986, I was having a rather pleasant dream about the leaders of the Orioles, and the manner in which they lead, and their leaderiffic tendencies. When I awoke, this very card was under my pillow -- obviously left by the Baseball Card Fairy -- and it depicted the very dream I was just enjoying. It was the fourth best day of my life!

But which Orioles’ leader was I dreaming of? The Caucasian mustachioed fellow popping out to shallow right on the front of this card did not look familiar to me. So, I immediately checked the back of the card so that I could match this fine gentleman with the specific statistical categories that he so boldly led the Orioles in:



Well, I was pretty sure this man was not Cal Ripken, who led the O’s in hits, runs, and triples the previous season. I was a little more certain this man was not Eddie Murray. And I was positive this was not Alan Wiggins, who I distinctly remembered from my dream as the smooth-talking base stealer who led the Orioles in not looking like this guy. And since American League pitchers do not hit, I was at a loss. Who could it be, this leader of the Orioles who did not lead the Orioles in any significant statistical category? I looked further down, and saw this:

Depicted on Front: Rick Dempsey, Co-Dean of the Orioles Continuous Service Since: June 15, 1976

Now my dreams were starting to make sense. I was too scared to admit it at the time, but mixed amongst my strange dreams of Orioles’ leaders were images of a Caucasian mustachioed fellow passing out turkeys on Thanksgiving, and visiting the local retirement home and performing ventriloquist acts for senior citizens. Silly me, as I had forgotten that Rick Dempsey’s contributions to the 1985 Baltimore Orioles transcended mere statistics! He was the (co-)leader in continuous service! Duh. But maybe you are asking yourself questions like, “’Co-Dean?’ Were the Orioles a school?” and “Who was the other dean?” and of course, “Wtf?” Well, slow down there, champ -- that’s a lot of questions. Maybe this will help:

Note: Rick Dempsey shares seniority with Tippy Martinez

I hope that answers all of your questions about the 1985 Orioles’ leaders. If anybody needs me, I’ll be upstairs taking a nap, and dreaming of Caucasian mustachioed fellows.

Wait, that didn’t come out right…

Did you know?
Peter Angelos famously disbanded the Orioles Continuous Service program in order to pay for Albert Belle’s legal fees.

Classic card of the week

1988 Topps Phillies Leaders

Here is one of my all-time favorite “team leaders” cards, because it shows two Phillies’ stalwarts - Mike Schmidt and Kevin Costner - doing just that...leading. Of course, these two guys weren’t leaders in the “rah-rah” sense, or even the statistical sense (if so, Juan Samuel would have certainly replaced Costner). They led more by example. Or, just by squatting. “This is how you squat, rookies! Now get me some sunflower seeds!” Schmidt was overheard saying shortly after this photo was taken. (To which Costner replied, “Yeah, listen to Schmidtty!”)
It is only appropriate that Topps sampled the “dream sequence” borders for this series, because when I was young, I used to see this card in my sleep, mainly because there were at least four in every pack. It remains uncertain as to how, exactly, Costner got his hands on a Phillies uniform, although this was around the time of “Bull Durham” and “Field of Dreams,” when Costner had convinced himself that he actually was a Major League Baseball player. (Kind of like how Sly Stallone still thinks he’s a real boxer.) There are still conflicting reports as to what incident these two guys are in the process of leading the Phillies through. Some say it’s a pitching change. Others say a squirrel was on the field. I say it was during “God Bless America,” and Schmidt was pulling a Carlos Delgado. That unpatriotic son of a bitch. Some leader. At least Costner took his hat off.

Did you know?
Mike Schmidt's retirement speech is often aired on the Lifetime Network. It's true!