How to receive an incoming call from no one

Note: This column appears in the 3/4 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/5 issue of the Peoria Times

I’m not much of a phone person in that generally, I don’t prefer to talk on the phone. I would say that I am in the mood to talk on the phone approximately twenty minutes throughout the course of a given calendar year. What an actual phone can do however, as far as texting and letting me know who is calling so that I don’t have to answer, which allows me to better avoid actual conversations, has been great and has, ironically, made me more of a phone person.

As a result of that, or as result of me being considerably less popular than I think I am, not many people actually call me. In fact, save for my wife and parents, nobody calls me.

Under normal circumstances -– as in, if I were normal -- this would be fine. But for some odd and illogical reason, I still expect people to call me. I am equally annoyed by people calling and not calling. My own cell phone has an automatic keypad-locking feature that activates when the phone hasn’t been in use for like two seconds. So I have to unlock the keypad at least 50 times per day just to confirm that nobody has called me. I use infinitely more battery power on my phone confirming that no one has called than I do using the phone to actually communicate.

(I would just turn off that feature except that I have been known to accidentally make impromptu and profane phone calls, from my pants, to random people on my contact list. Yet another reason I’m not a phone person.)

It’s become a running joke between my wife –- whose Blackberry is constantly buzzing, by the way –- and I. Whenever I have to turn my phone off for any length of time, like before church, I’ll excitedly turn it back on later and ask my wife to guess how many people called me. She laughs as I patiently give the phone time to load…then more time…backlight is off…nobody called.

There have been Saturdays when I have mistakenly left the phone in the bedroom for almost the entire day, and upon realizing this, I will rush upstairs –- it’s Saturday! Somebody could be calling me to watch the game! –- only to be disappointed yet again.

But I reached a new low last weekend. My wife likes to play this little trick on me where she, unbeknownst to me, changes my ring to this awful ringtone that begins with a horse neighing very loudly. Last Monday morning when she wasn’t home, it went off and scared the crap out of me. It should also be mentioned that it went off because my mom was calling me…back. My mom was calling me back.

When she got home later I admitted to her that she got me. But instead of laughing as usual she sympathetically came over to me, rubbed my arm, and informed me that she had changed the ringtone days ago, well before the weekend. She had even considered asking my brother-in-law to call me just so she could hear the horse go off.

Whatever. I don’t even like talking on the phone. Texting is so much better anyway. In fact, somebody could be texting me right now…

Neigh.

Classic card of the week

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits

Scene: NFL studios is Los Angeles, California. Several executives are meeting with Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Mel Blount.

Executive #1: Thanks for coming by today, Mel. Listen -- I’m going to be “blount” (makes quote signs with his hands) with you-

Mel Blount: Stop right there. I will walk out of here right now.

Exective #1: I’m sorry…I’m sorry, Mel. I thought you’d appreciate that. Let me start over. Mel, I’m going to be honest with you -- we want you to do a Pro Line portrait. You’re one of the most popular players in the league, sort of, and it would mean a lot for our line of football cards to have you on board.

Mel Blount: I really appreciate that, guys. Really, I do. But I’m a busy man. Why can’t you just send out a guy to take pictures of me playing football?

Executive #2: That’s not how we do things over here at Pro Line portraits, Mel. We want the fans to get a taste of who you really are, off the football field. That’s what the football-card-buying public really wants to see.

Mel Blount: I thought they’d like to see me playing football.

Executive #3: No, that is a myth. They hate football. They want to see Mel Blount the person, the father, the pedestrian, the chef, the lounge lizard, the professor…whatever makes you who you are, that’s what the fans want to see.

Mel Blount: I’m a football player.

Executive #1: One day a week, you are, Mel. One. Day. A. Week.

Mel Blount: Alright, listen. I like the way you guys operate. I’m going to do this. (Conference room erupts in ecstatic “hoorays!” and awkward hi-fives.) But HOLD ON! Because this is how it’s gonna go down: I’m going to need a bow tie, a 12-inch belt buckle, a cowboy hat, and a horse. Not one of those mini-horses, either. A real, legit horse. And you’re going to fly me out to a remote ranch in northwest Kansas, and we’re going to do this in one take, because I don’t have a lot of time. We leave this afternoon.

Executive #8: Harry, can we do this?

Executive #12: I’m already on it. The private jet is on the runway. Carolyn is working on getting one of the horses from “Young Guns.”

Mel Blount: Let’s roll.

End scene

Wow, that got out of hand pretty fast. Let’s get back to reality here and have Mel Blount explain what this portrait signifies:



Football challenges the total individual – spiritually, physically, mentally, morally, and emotionally. The game exemplifies life.

Speaking of life, another thing I like to do in life is to hang out with my horse on our 50-acre ranch back home. That is what I imagine the next sentence will be.

It’s a true test of manhood.

Darn.

I think that’s one reason the proudest moment of my life, as far as an accomplishment, was when I heard the news that I had been selected for the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

I shall wear my best bow tie to the induction ceremony! Also, still no mention of the horse portrait.

That was great news. I remember all the people I played with, worked with, and met while I was in the league. I love the game horses.

There. That explains it.

Did you know?
The urge to reference "Blazing Saddles" was resisted an estimated 26 times during the construction of this post.