Classic card of the week

Joe Ferguson, 1974

Recently, for some reason, I have been getting the type of positive feedback which seems to confirm that my chosen path in life –- making fun of old sports cards on a blog that very few people read, for free –- is indeed my life’s calling. This has been both surprising and humbling.

Last week though I received an email that blew my mind. It was from Mike in Chicago, whose wife had discovered an old football card lying on the ground on the corner of Racine & Van Buren and, as Mike puts it, thought of me. So, Mike attached the card to the email, and let me say this:



That at least one person in the middle of freakin’ Chicago thinks of me when they see an old beat-up sports card is, for me, a compliment of the highest order. That Mike’s wife took the initiative to pick this thing up –- without gloves, I assume -– and that Mike then took the initiative to send it my way is, for me, the culmination of a lifetime of hard, albeit questionable work. Because, as Mike notes: “From all appearances, this card has been lying in that gutter since 1974.” God bless you Mike and Mike’s wife.

Anyway, on with the show:



Joe has all the tools to make a good pro quarterback.

According to the accompanying cartoon, the tools necessary to make a good pro quarterback are a saw and hammer. I can take this statement quite literally as there is no reference as to the tools necessary to be a good pro quarterback (i.e., a good arm, nails, poise, and an industrial-sized sander). Nevertheless I had always assumed that the best way to make a good pro quarterback would involve either a) the relentless pressure and force of a loving father blindly determined to see his failed dreams realized through his offspring, or b) sex with a good pro quarterback. But Joe Ferguson proves you can just make one in your garage. And that is why quarterbacks don’t have souls.

Joe became Bills’ starting quarterback in rookie season of 1973. Possessed with a fine arm, he made All-Southwest Conference Team.

Both Mike and myself thoroughly enjoy the implication from this statement that the Bills reside in the Southwest Conference. Unfortunately, like the Bills, the Southwest Conference no longer exists, and all evidence of Joe Ferguson’s fine collegiate arm are now on tour with the Dead Sea Scrolls, and can only be viewed at predetermined locations for a small fee.

But enough about Joe Ferguson, am I right? I am in the mood to play a football game! Luckily for me, there is a football game on the back of this very card:

“Runner breaks tackle” good for 16 YARD GAIN
Field goal – No good

Wow, that was fun! Wait, what happened? Am I on offense or defense? Why did we kick a field goal after a 16-yard gain? Was it third-and-20? Who’s calling the shots here? What’s the score? Can I call a timeout? I would like to call a timeout. Where is everyone? This game is awesome!!!

Did you know?
In Buffalo, this card -- in near mint condition -- can be brought to any real estate office in exchange for an average single-family home.

Classic card of the week

Todd Dunn, 1993 Classic Games, Inc.

Seen here is Classic Games, Inc’s (?) “Four Sport Collection” featuring Todd Dunn. I can only however, locate one sport on this card, and that sport appears to be high school baseball, as photographed by the coach’s wife with a Kodak disposable camera.

If you need evidence of Todd Dunn’s baseball ability that goes beyond blurry documentation of an odd batting stance and proof that his fans included middle-aged groupies wearing scrunchies and Gotcha tank tops, then may I direct you to the back of the card:



Unfortunately, the back of the card includes another blurry photo. But there is also a difficult-to-read chart, which is nice. Also:

A first round pick by the Brewers, Todd was rated as the best overall athlete in Baseball America in an article listing the College Players with the Best Tools.

In the category of “College Players with the Best Tools,” Todd Dunn was voted the best overall athlete. It is unclear whether being a great athlete is a specific tool in itself, or whether Todd encompassed all of the tools necessary to be a College Player with the Best Tools, and therefore was indeed the College Player with the Best Tools. All we really know is that Todd Dunn had at least some tools. And he was an athlete. The best one.

Of course, if “College Player with the Best Tools” means the college player whose buddies were the biggest, and thus best tools on campus, then that is also impressive. You have to be some pretty big tools to be recognized as tools within the realm of college athletics. Kudos, friends of Todd Dunn.

A member of the 1982 Little League World Series Champions from Tulsa, Todd is an all-sport athlete,

Todd Dunn transcends the “Four Sport Collection” in that he plays every sport. I am not one to throw the term “all-sport athlete” around liberally, and so I am left to assume that Todd Dunn played –- and, because he’s Todd Dunn, excelled at –- every sport imaginable, from women’s beach volleyball to intramural tennis at Ramapo College and everything in between. (By the way, women’s beach volleyball and intramural tennis at Ramapo College represent opposite ends of the sporting spectrum. This is a fact, and not to be disputed.)

having previously competed in both football and wrestling.

So far I have counted baseball, football and wrestling –- of which he currently only plays baseball –- as the sports which qualify Todd Dunn on the front of this card as a “Four Sport” athlete and on the back of this card as an “all-sport” athlete. The lesson here: All of us can be great overall athletes with lots of tools if we really put our minds to it and win the Little League World Series. Thanks, Todd Dunn!

Did you know?
As a sophomore Todd Dunn attended the "Tool Academy of Ohio," where he learned to hit for average, hit for power, throw, drink car bombs, run fast, play defense, take his shirt off, and pump his fist.