On bulging veins, trains and automobiles

Note: This column appears in the 9/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/1 issue of the Peoria Times

The other day I was driving to work and, as usual, some guy in a monster pick-up truck was riding my bumper. And he was mad at me.

There is a light at 91st and Grand, near the 101. I was making a left onto Grand, and I could tell this guy was too, not because of his turn signal, which he refused to use, but because his vehicle was in my back seat. I had missed the green arrow, and the traffic light was now just green, and so in order to turn I was forced to wait for the oncoming traffic to break.

Now, on these occasions, most people -– and everyone in this state –- moves out into the middle of the intersection to wait, so if the traffic never breaks, the turn can be made after the light turns red. I am honestly uncertain if this is legal or not, but I no longer do this. A couple of years ago, my wife was involved in an accident when she thought it was safe to turn left on a yellow light, but an oncoming car chose to speed up and, eventually, run a red, sideswiping her in the process.

So now I wait at green lights behind the crosswalk when turning left, and if I miss the light, so be it. The thing about this particular intersection is that there are railroad tracks right there, and there is only room for one car to wait safely at the light after the tracks. This guy, assuming that I would wait in the middle of the intersection, as he undoubtedly would have, was now behind me, sitting on the railroad tracks.

It’s difficult for me to explain how ecstatic I was when the light turned yellow and the traffic never broke, and I was forced to stay. I looked in my rearview mirror and this guy was slamming his steering wheel, mouthing words that I assume were very profane in my direction, as he was now caught on the tracks.

Man, I was hoping for that train signal to turn flashing red, and activate the wooden barriers that would have slammed down onto his obnoxious truck. Is that wrong of me? I don’t care. The train never came anyway, but it was enough to watch him squirm for a few minutes.

When I got the green arrow, this guy decided that he was now going to try and tailgate me even more than before, as if that were possible. The only thing that prevented him from passing me was the fact that this area of Grand Avenue is -– surprisingly! –- in the middle of a four-year long construction project, and all traffic is henceforth relegated to one lane.

To counteract his tailgating, I decided to drive no more than the posted construction-based speed limit of 25 mph. I was so happy. Like, inordinately happy.

Then, distracted by the mass of construction cones, and the blaring sun, and this guy’s stupid tailgating, I made an incorrect slight turn in the obstacle course of cones, and stopped right before a giant trench. Meanwhile, the traffic behind me, led by this jerk, zoomed passed, laughing at my idiocy. I even debated getting out of the car and pretending I was a construction foreman, like I meant to do that. Yep, looks like the guys dug the trench. Nice work. Better head out.

But instead I sat there, marveling at how I live in a state where the tailgaters and speedsters always win, and the speed cameras and common driving decency always lose, and the construction never ends. And just then, I heard the blaring horns of the oncoming train.

Classic card of the week

Derrick Coleman, 1993 Fleer Ultra

Here is Derrick Coleman, noted by Fleer Ultra as having a “Dunk Rank” of #10 in their influential “Top 20 Jammer” series. Off the top of my head, I could probably name 812 players from the Derrick Coleman era that I would rather watch dunk a basketball than Derrick Coleman. But that is only because I personally do not care much for disinterested dunks that possess the improvisation and stylistic twist of a UPN sitcom.

But dunks are only a small part of the overall basketball equation. What sayeth thee with regards to Derrick Coleman, basketball player? Let’s ask, oh I don’t know…Charles Oakley:



“I think he will be the next Barkley.”
- Charles Oakley

I think you are wrong. I must admit that I am very surprised to discover that the Oak Man actually said this, as my perception of Oakley is of a man who was, in his day, impressed by very little on the basketball court, and who would rather stick needles in his eyes than lavish praise on unproven young basketball players. Charles Oakley once shrugged his shoulders at the question: “Do you think Michael Jordan is good?” which was asked by a Nickelodeon kids reporter in the Knicks' locker room after Jordan’s double nickel game at MSG.*

In Oakley’s defense, he’s not the only one who envisioned a dominant Derrick Coleman in the NBA. Even Wikipedia did:

When Coleman entered the NBA, he was compared to elite power forwards such as Karl Malone and Charles Barkley

See?

Instead, his career was overshadowed by his questionable attitude (lack of work ethic resulting in excessive weight gain, plus alcohol abuse and general disruptive behavior)

Now, where I come from, “general disruptive behavior” can mean two things and two things only: 1) refusing to move your truck and/or 2) peeing in front of an Italian restaurant. So let’s not go anointing Derrick Coleman as the baddest moth ---

In 1995, Coleman was arrested in Detroit and charged with refusing to move his truck and swearing at a police officer.

I did not know that “refusing to move your truck” is like, something that you can be legally charged with. Usually that falls under the umbrella of disorderly conduct. But hey, this is in Detroit, and motor vehicles are a big deal there.

In 1999…Coleman was accused of urinating in front of patrons at Intermezzo Italian Ristorante…Coleman still denies his guilt and says it was a drink that spilled on his pants.

I am no judge here, but I particularly enjoy Derrick Coleman’s defense in this matter. It’s as if he was being charged with “having wet pants by means of urination,” and did not consider any of the other factors or mannerisms that usually go along with urinating that may or may not have been witnessed by the restaurant patrons or police. Also:

In July 2002, Coleman was pulled over for driving over 100 mph…and arrested after test results showed he had a blood alcohol level of 0.13 percent when he was stopped

Oddly enough, this is not the first time I've had to admit this, but: Charles Oakley was right.

*That reporter’s name was: me.

Did you know?
If I ever looked up from a plate of linguine and clam sauce only to see that Derrick Coleman was outside and peeing on the window that overlooked my table, I am 100% certain that my wife would not implore me to "do something about it," but would rather find it as hilarious as I would. That is why I married her. I said as much, using that exact example, during one of our Pre-Cana classes.

Tough economic times cause indefinite construction

Note: This column appears in the 7/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/10 issue of the Peoria Times

I have some bad news for anyone currently waiting at a Glendale light rail stop.

You might want to catch the bus.

It was revealed last week that the proposed Glendale light rail project will be delayed by “at least two years,” which, in government-controlled construction terms translates to: 30 years.

The current economic circumstances have made building a light rail less of a priority, apparently. Still, this is a surprise, especially considering the vast popularity of the Phoenix light rail, which has experienced no problems. Unless, of course, you count accidents, the reported mistreatment of its operators, and a general state of confusion as it relates to where it goes and why you would ride it.

In fact, the Glendale delay is Phoenix’s fault, as the city is forced to wait on the construction of Phoenix’s 19th Avenue extension, which itself has been pushed back from 2012 to 2014. So while everybody waits on Phoenix, Glendale’s light rail system is also hampered by the tiny fact that no one has decided where, exactly, it is going to go.

Details, details.

Yes, it remains undecided whether the light rail will run into downtown Glendale, or towards Westgate. If the decision (to be made, ya’ know…whenever) is Westgate, then that is predicated on the extension of Interstate 10, which has also been pushed back to the year 2021. Can’t wait!

While I understand the urgency of the recession and how the budgets for certain projects have been affected –- no one needs to ride the light rail to the job they don’t have –- I cannot grasp how multi-million dollar projects are simply left in a state of flux. It would seem to me that construction generates jobs, and that it would be in the city’s best interest to complete a project that itself will be a revenue generator –- like, for example, a light rail -– as quickly as possible, instead of incurring the additional costs of letting things sit. But hey…whatever.

For me personally, my daily ride to and from work has been adversely affected by the Loop 303 extension currently moving at a snail’s pace in Peoria. For the past few months construction has been going on there, and by construction I mean that there is dirt, some trucks parked on the dirt, and traffic cones regulating everybody into one lane and making my daily commute 20 minutes longer. The pure joy of passing this construction zone each day only to see that absolutely nothing is going on cannot be described in mere words, only hand gestures.

To make matters even more enjoyable, the speed limit in this area –- and in many construction areas, such as that on Deer Valley in between 83rd and 91st Ave -- is reduced to like, three miles per hour. And if you think the police haven’t taken advantage of that, then you are indeed mistaken. One would think that the traffic ticket revenue generated from construction zone speed limits would be enough to complete the construction itself, but apparently not.

Nevertheless, should you generate enough speeding tickets while going 30 miles per hour through a construction zone to lose your driver’s license, don’t fret – the light rail is coming.

But I hope you’re not in a rush. No one else is.