Recently, for some reason, I have been getting the type of positive feedback which seems to confirm that my chosen path in life –- making fun of old sports cards on a blog that very few people read, for free –- is indeed my life’s calling. This has been both surprising and humbling.
Last week though I received an email that blew my mind. It was from Mike in Chicago, whose wife had discovered an old football card lying on the ground on the corner of Racine & Van Buren and, as Mike puts it, thought of me. So, Mike attached the card to the email, and let me say this:
That at least one person in the middle of freakin’ Chicago thinks of me when they see an old beat-up sports card is, for me, a compliment of the highest order. That Mike’s wife took the initiative to pick this thing up –- without gloves, I assume -– and that Mike then took the initiative to send it my way is, for me, the culmination of a lifetime of hard, albeit questionable work. Because, as Mike notes: “From all appearances, this card has been lying in that gutter since 1974.” God bless you Mike and Mike’s wife.
Anyway, on with the show:
Joe has all the tools to make a good pro quarterback.
According to the accompanying cartoon, the tools necessary to make a good pro quarterback are a saw and hammer. I can take this statement quite literally as there is no reference as to the tools necessary to be a good pro quarterback (i.e., a good arm, nails, poise, and an industrial-sized sander). Nevertheless I had always assumed that the best way to make a good pro quarterback would involve either a) the relentless pressure and force of a loving father blindly determined to see his failed dreams realized through his offspring, or b) sex with a good pro quarterback. But Joe Ferguson proves you can just make one in your garage. And that is why quarterbacks don’t have souls.
Joe became Bills’ starting quarterback in rookie season of 1973. Possessed with a fine arm, he made All-Southwest Conference Team.
Both Mike and myself thoroughly enjoy the implication from this statement that the Bills reside in the Southwest Conference. Unfortunately, like the Bills, the Southwest Conference no longer exists, and all evidence of Joe Ferguson’s fine collegiate arm are now on tour with the Dead Sea Scrolls, and can only be viewed at predetermined locations for a small fee.
But enough about Joe Ferguson, am I right? I am in the mood to play a football game! Luckily for me, there is a football game on the back of this very card:
“Runner breaks tackle” good for 16 YARD GAIN
Field goal – No good
Wow, that was fun! Wait, what happened? Am I on offense or defense? Why did we kick a field goal after a 16-yard gain? Was it third-and-20? Who’s calling the shots here? What’s the score? Can I call a timeout? I would like to call a timeout. Where is everyone? This game is awesome!!!
Did you know?
In Buffalo, this card -- in near mint condition -- can be brought to any real estate office in exchange for an average single-family home.
